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From: Mom of Six
Date: 08-27-2003, 11:43 PM (1 of 20)
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As most of you know my Dad had surgery in June. He is now very depressed about everything. He lives alone & says he wants it that way but he is upset if I don't visit him EVERY day. Most of my brothers & sisters can skip a day without him getting upset(there are 7 of us in town 1 out of state) some of them only visit or call once a week when it is there turn to provide dinner. We have always been a VERY close family but I am beginning to get upset that everyone is not doing more for Dad. Depression runs in our family & Dad has had it before. He sees a phyciatrist & a counselor. but for the most part he isn't getting any better mentally ( his body is fine medically other than his missing organs). I don't know if We/I am doing to much for him or not enough pushing him to be on his own. He is almost 86 (BD 9/11) and I feel so bad leaving that I almost hate to go over. I am going to his next appt. with the counselor for her opinion (9/9) but I thought someone here might have some answers for how to deal with him that we haven't thought of. I did take my kids on a 3 day camping trip last week & made him let other people take him to his appointments. but he seems to be worse since I got back.They did do a depression med change last weebut I don't think it is working. he goes back Tues to check on it. I haven't sewn since the wedding dresses in June. Help!!! Barb Barb
Happiness is having time to sew!! |
User: Mom of Six
Member since: 11-03-2001 Total posts: 1115 
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From: MaryW
Date: 08-28-2003, 08:38 AM (2 of 20)
I don't know what to tell you except you can't be there 24/7 for your Dad. He needs professional help, I hope there is a solution soon coming for you. Hang in there, he is a very lucky man to have you as his daughter. 
MaryW
owner/editor of Sew Whats New |
User: MaryW
Member since: 06-23-2005 Total posts: 2542 
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From: Dede
Date: 08-28-2003, 08:42 AM (3 of 20)
| Barb, this is a very delicate situation. He is 86 and I'm surprised he's still on his own. You've done a lot for him and it seems that you are his security blanket ... just like he was to you for a long time. I think you're doing a good thing seeing his counselor with him; he might be more receptive if decisions come from somebody else's mouth. Don't forget, you're still and always will be his little girl. |
User: Dede
Member since: 03-23-2001 Total posts: 469 |
From: Pudge99
Date: 08-28-2003, 09:07 AM (4 of 20)
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Barb, I wouldn't get upset with your siblings over this. I would look at it more as you are the one your dad wants near him. I don't know about your childhood but I grew up in a family with 7 kids and Dad did have his favorite. Always did and always will. It is possible that your dad makes them feel as though they are not welcome and that is why they don't do more for him. I have come to realize that even though I live in Texas and my Dad in IL that if anything happens to him it will be me that has to take care of him. My sister who lives near him will help of course but I know that all the responsibilty will fall on me. As for the depression part, if you find something that works please let me know. My mother-in law is in her mid seventies and a depressed, crochety old hag. This is not the same woman whom I have known and loved since I was 10 years old. She used to be so happy. Until a few years ago when she fell off a ladder and broke her leg. Everything has gone down hill since then. Even her children don't know what to do with her. Oh yeah I almost forgot. Do they have Meals on Wheels in your area? It is a program where people bring meals to others who can't do for themselves. My mother-in-law's ex-boyfriend is a delivery driver for them. He loves it. It gives him a chance to get out and see people his own age. The people he delivers to enjoy it also. Also there are programs where people drive you to your appointments too. I don't remember if you said if your dad gets social interaction or not but that could be part of what is causing the depression. There are also elderly daycare centers if he is missing interaction. These are just some things off the top of my head. If I sound crazy you can just ignore me if you want. Gina Gina
Pictures of my successes and failures Pfaff 2040 Janome Mylock 134D Singer Futura CE-100 w/ Autopunch Husqvarna Viking 3D Sketch |
User: Pudge99
Member since: 10-30-2001 Total posts: 1375 |
From: Chrysantha
Date: 08-28-2003, 11:01 AM (5 of 20)
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Dr.'s won't tell you this, but sometimes anesthesia does odd things to people, they get depressed and lose memory...it takes awhile to get back to 'normal'....if your dad is 'fixated' on you, try some of the suggestions about him getting outa the house and seeing other people. Remember....YOU are a person too and have to have time to yourself....DON'T feel guilty and don't let HIM make you feel that way. You can only do so much. Maybe a change in therapists can help....what about a 'senior' exercise group. Have they tested him for alzheimers ??? take care ! Chrys
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User: Chrysantha
Member since: 09-06-2002 Total posts: 2414 
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From: mamahoogie
Date: 08-28-2003, 11:01 AM (6 of 20)
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Although I've never been through what you are going thru (my parents died young, 55 and 60) I have friends and other relatives who have been in your position. It sounds like your dad should consider an assisted living accomdation but I know from what you wrote that he would object to that, especially if it comes from you or your siblings. Perhaps his doctor could suggest it? My SIL does the Meals on Wheels delivery too and enjoys it. Your father may need some new people in his life to talk to. There are many medications for depression so if the ones he is on are not working, do not hesitate to call the doctor. Good luck. 
I've decided to live forever - so far, so good.
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User: mamahoogie
Member since: 12-25-2002 Total posts: 461 |
From: plrlegal
Date: 08-28-2003, 02:40 PM (7 of 20)
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Barb my mother is the same age as your father and believe me, she has put us all through our paces the last few years but my youngest sister (the baby of the family) seems to be the one she is fixated on as her only caretaker ( I have 7 sisters and 5 brothers). First of all, and this is the most important thing for you and your siblings to do, is get together and talk about your father's care and how he reacts to each of you. And, yes, if he is not getting out and interacting with people of his own age, he will become more and more dependent upon you or one of your other siblings for constant companionship and care. My mother has decided that she wants to be waited on hand and foot and refuses to do anythng for herself anymore. We've had to hire a lady to come in every morning to help her bathe and dress for the day otherwise, she stays in her night clothes. I have 3 sisters that live near her and they switch off each day with giving meds, monitoring blood sugar and feeding her 3 times a day. She's not happy with the arrangement they've come up with for her care but they've told her she has no other alternative unless she wants to go to a nursing home. It is extremely hard on just one person to have to do all of the caretaking without relief, especially when you have your own family and their needs and lives to take care of . Sometimes with an elderly parent you have to have tough love and it can be extremely hard to do that with a parent. I'm only offering this advice because I'm seeing first hand how difficult it can be to take care of an elderly parent. Those of us who don't live close to our mom try to take as much care of her as we can when we're with her to give our 3 sisters a break. Hang in there and feel free to let off the steam at any time here. Patsy Patsy
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User: plrlegal
Member since: 05-19-2001 Total posts: 318 |
From: Mom of Six
Date: 08-28-2003, 07:23 PM (8 of 20)
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Thanks for the advice. I have suggested meals on wheels but he said he probably wouldn't eat it. I thought I would call anyway & see if I can at least get lunch for him. He does have a group he belongs to at church that meets once a month to play bingo. We got him to go last month but he says he doesn't want to go back. I think I convinced him to try but it isn't until the 10th. The Drs. did tell us about the anestesia but not until after they gave him drugs to counteract the hallusinations he was having from the Morphine. They gave him haldol & respidal on top of the Remeron he was already taking. But these drs. had never met my Dad & they were treating him like a typical OLD man. We got his MD. there & he told them to get him off these new meds & morphine & he seemed better. but he doesn't remember most of his hospital stay.He told me tonight he wished he knew what to do to feel better but he is worried about EVERYTHING.When his bowels will move, what to eat, is he drinking enough water, someone might buy him a Bday present. My sister is going to be there this weekend from Indiana. Now he is worrying that my Niece(5) is going to make to much noise or see his "Bag". I thought he would be happy that there will be someone with him 24 hrs a day for 3 days. Thanks for listening I think mostly I just need an outlet for my thoughts that is safe. Gina,I will let you know if we find something that works. Right now he is on Lexapro. Barb Barb
Happiness is having time to sew!! |
User: Mom of Six
Member since: 11-03-2001 Total posts: 1115
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From: LeapFrog Libby
Date: 08-29-2003, 05:58 PM (9 of 20)
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Mom of Six, When you said 'bag', I had a thought.. Make him some covers for that. A lot of people I know have asked me to make covers for them.. I never knew people were sensitive about them because my beloved neice never was about hers, but she had had them since she was so young.. But recently I have made some for a couple of friends.. The purpose seemed to be that if someone caught sight of it by mistake , it would almost match their undergarments and therefore be less noticeable.. Maybe that would help him have more peace of mind about the young girl.. 
Sew With Love
Libby |
User: LeapFrog Libby
Member since: 05-01-2002 Total posts: 2022 
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From: gm23237
Date: 11-29-2003, 09:28 PM (10 of 20)
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Of course you know what to do, you are doing it everyday. Your father is lucky to have you there and when the day comes he leaves this world you will know in your heart you did the best you could do. As far as the other family members, it is their loss. They are missing the last days of your father's life. I quit my job and came to Virginia (I was living in New Hampshire) and stayed with my mother whom my sister took care of the last 9 months of her life. We shared many good moments during that time and the memories of then are with me now. I do not regret making the decision to come down and stay with her, I was fortunate to have the opportunity. Even though I missed my own home and my family when it was over I knew that my home was there and my family would be with me, Mom would not. You may not know what to do but it certainly sounds as if you are doing it well (LOL).. Good luck!!! Your father is a lucky man. |
User: gm23237
Member since: 11-03-2003 Total posts: 145 
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From: Mom of Six
Date: 11-29-2003, 10:17 PM (11 of 20)
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My Dad lost his battle with cancer last Monday 11/24/03. I am saddened by my loss but at the same time I know he is in a better place. I think he willed it to happen this week while we were all so busy so we would celebrate his life instead of mourning his death. We have spent some very good family time this week &have done a lot of reminising. My Dad was a great man because the most important thing in his life was his family. For the last weeks he prayed all of the time for God to let him take my brother-in-laws Cancer for him. His cancer did not show up in any tests they ran in the end of Sept. when he was hospitalized with pneumonia. But was spreading rapidly in Nov. so we have to believe his prayers are being answered. He was aware of what was happenning in the last few days & he was happy. He and I had some very good conversations. everyone else was telling me Dad wasn't talking to them so I know he trusted me & felt comfortable telling me how he felt. I know he appreciated all that I did & was told by many of my siblings that they appreciated all that I did. There is going to be a hole in my life but I am sure my husband, kids & grandkids will help me fill it & when they can't I have a wonderful sister that I can call at any time to talk. Also I know that I have my friends here to help if I need it so I am sure I will get through this just fine. Barb Barb
Happiness is having time to sew!! |
User: Mom of Six
Member since: 11-03-2001 Total posts: 1115
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From: Chrysantha
Date: 11-29-2003, 10:42 PM (12 of 20)
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Sorry to hear about your Dad...my thoughts are with you and your family....
Chrys
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User: Chrysantha
Member since: 09-06-2002 Total posts: 2414
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From: Magot
Date: 11-30-2003, 01:36 AM (13 of 20)
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Bless you Barb, those last few days will seem more and more like a gift as time goes on. There is something whole about being able to end you life peacefully and at peace. Of course you will mis him but as you say, celebrating his life will become easier than mourning his death as time goes on. There is no one to fill the gap he leaves, but he leaves part of himself with you and your family.
love and kisses, Jan
Guts-R-Us Cells a Speciality DNA to order. |
User: Magot
Member since: 12-22-2002 Total posts: 3626 
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From: james.diane
Date: 11-30-2003, 02:22 AM (14 of 20)
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Barb - so sorry to hear your sad news. You and your family are in our thoughts.
Diane :)
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User: james.diane
Member since: 09-23-2003 Total posts: 100 |
From: maps
Date: 11-30-2003, 07:06 AM (15 of 20)
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i'll keep you and your family in my prayers Barb, just take things one day at a time, take care of yourself. {{{hugs}}}
Marge
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User: maps
Member since: 06-18-2003 Total posts: 152 
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From: bren
Date: 11-30-2003, 08:34 AM (16 of 20)
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So sorry to hear about your Dad's passing Barb... were here for you... Take care of yourself.
Bren:
Don't let anyone ...Live Rent Free In Your Head |
User: bren
Member since: 11-30-2002 Total posts: 489 
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From: mamahoogie
Date: 11-30-2003, 09:50 AM (17 of 20)
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Barb - so sorrry about your dad. I lost both my parents 27 and 30 yrs ago and I still miss them and think about them. Trust me, your memories will never leave you but some of the pain will. Violet I've decided to live forever - so far, so good.
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User: mamahoogie
Member since: 12-25-2002 Total posts: 461 |
From: MaryW
Date: 11-30-2003, 07:17 PM (18 of 20)
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Barb, I am sorry for your loss. Please know all of us here are thinking of your Dad at this time. He is in a better place and you are one beautiful daughter.
MaryW
owner/editor of Sew Whats New |
User: MaryW
Member since: 06-23-2005 Total posts: 2542
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From: gm23237
Date: 11-30-2003, 08:11 PM (19 of 20)
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I have lost both my parents and a child and a partner of 22 years. I can tell you it gets better but the time it takes varies as we are all different and we grieve differently. Their memories will always be there and at first it is painful but in time they become comforting. Even bring a smile where once they may have brought tears. The only way I could deal with the deaths in my life was to keep reminding myself they are in a far better place and will suffer no more. I also tell myself that these people were not mine to keep and that they are now with the Lord who loves them far greater than even I could. May the Peace of the Lord comfort you. GM23237 |
User: gm23237
Member since: 11-03-2003 Total posts: 145
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From: chiloGod
Date: 12-01-2003, 08:29 AM (20 of 20)
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Barb, Sorry to hear about your dad. You and your family are in my prayers. I pray that God comforts you during these times of lost and encourage you to continue to be strong. |
User: chiloGod
Member since: 08-19-2003 Total posts: 65 
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