Sew What’s Up Presents
The Sew What’s New Archive
This archived content is from Mary Wilkins’ sewing and
quilting message board “Sew What’s New,” which was
retired in August 2007. It is being provided by
“Sew What’s Up,”
which serves as the new home for many members of “Sew What’s New.”
From: Aimee S
Date: 01-31-2004, 01:37 PM (1 of 32)
|
This topic latly has come up on alot of boards.. What are your thoughts??
The more you disaprove, the more fun I am having!
http://photos.yahoo.com/aimeehs29 |
User: Aimee S
Member since: 02-23-2003 Total posts: 488 
|
From: Patchworktiner
Date: 01-31-2004, 01:50 PM (2 of 32)
|
I'd say all of the above. I know it would make my husband wonder if he found out about something like that. I think that this is different for everyone, though. I have a few girlfriends that have good male friends, and I am quite sure that there's nothing other than friendship goin' on. But for myself, I wouldn't feel right about having a deep relationship with another male, whether it be friendship or more, out of respect to my husband. And if this computer relationship is kept private, perhaps there are more feelings involved than appropriate for a married woman. If your thoughts are preoccupied by something or someone else, it can definately affect your current relationship, because you won't have most of your attention on it, but the "something" else. Good luck, and just remember to do what your heart and soul tells you to. |
User: Patchworktiner
Member since: 01-24-2004 Total posts: 5 
|
From: Mother in Law
Date: 01-31-2004, 02:22 PM (3 of 32)
|
I'm inclined to think the same as Patchworktiner. I think that if you have a relation with someone of the opposite sex just talking at first, it could be very dangerous if you have a problem come up in your marriage and the other party and you confide with each other and before you know it one thing leads to another and there's no turning back. It's very dangerous. Before you know it you are pulled in directions you ordinarily wouldn't be in. Does that make sense? I've been married for 34 years going on 35 and the one thing that has kept me on the right path is not doing anything that would make me feel uncomfortable if it were done to me. If my husband had a friend that was a women I would feel very threatened by her and I bet he would feel the same so I don't do it. susie |
User: Mother in Law
Member since: Total posts: |
From: Chrysantha
Date: 01-31-2004, 06:42 PM (4 of 32)
|
'I' think it's when you spend too much 'private' (not in a room with others to see your conversations) time online. Too many secrets...too much e-mail from one person... Then it progresses to phone calls and then visits... ::been there done that, mode:: Chrys
|
User: Chrysantha
Member since: 09-06-2002 Total posts: 2414 
|
From: brendalou
Date: 01-31-2004, 08:18 PM (5 of 32)
|
An affair is by my definition.... kept a secret & there is emotional involvement. Whether or not there is a physical relationship, emotional relationships are just as bad. If it is being kept a secret, then SOMETHING IS DEFINATELY WRONG
==Brenda Lou
|
User: brendalou
Member since: 10-07-2002 Total posts: 2 |
From: DorothyL
Date: 02-01-2004, 09:40 AM (6 of 32)
|
My husband and I both now have and have had in the past, through most of our relationship, very good friends of both genders, gay and straight. Often the other partner didn't know, or didn't know well, these friends. Most of these friendships are the result of on the job relationships that blossom into friendships. Neither of us has ever had an affair. Neither of us has ever had any serious jealousy issues. We love and trust each other and are secure in our commitment. Jealousy is a waste of time as far as I am concerned. Many of my women friends really like my husband. They don't want to sleep with him. They like him because he respects women as people, equals and is fun to be around. I hope they like me for the same reasons. My very good friend Kevin, who my husband hardly knows but I lunch with at least once a week, has no more influence on my relationship with my husband than my good friend Paula does. His good friend Heidi, who I have never met, has no more influence on our relationship than his friend Wayne -- except Wayne can be a pain in the butt sometimes. An affair is physical. How can you be jealous of someone your husband has never even met when you both know the beautiful woman is probably a 300 pound greasy man? I think trust is a much better basis for a relationship and a life. Dorothy |
User: DorothyL
Member since: 12-09-2002 Total posts: 3883 |
From: carman
Date: 02-01-2004, 12:06 PM (7 of 32)
| but all physical affairs started off with lunch and talking at "some" point did they not? and affairs are NOT just physical. |
User: carman
Member since: 04-17-2000 Total posts: 692 
|
From: Mother in Law
Date: 02-01-2004, 12:48 PM (8 of 32)
| Dorothy that's wonderful you and your husband have that kind of relationship but most do not and that's where the trouble comes in. |
User: Mother in Law
Member since: Total posts: |
From: Sherri
Date: 02-01-2004, 02:46 PM (9 of 32)
|
I think it is an affair when you try it from your so. Sher My website
|
User: Sherri
Member since: 02-07-2001 Total posts: 357 |
From: DorothyL
Date: 02-01-2004, 08:16 PM (10 of 32)
|
but all physical affairs started off with lunch and talking at "some" point did they not? Does that mean one should never talk to someone of the opposite sex? That's just silly, in my opinion. With that logic you probably shouldn't talk to women either -- who knows what that might lead to? One of my best friends is a lesbian. She is also a good friend of my husband. A lot of people can have friends of both genders without sexual contact. The subject just doesn't come up if one or the other person is in a committed relationship. That is, of course, it the other person is really a friend. That's just how I feel. A good relationship deserves trust. Dorothy |
User: DorothyL
Member since: 12-09-2002 Total posts: 3883 |
From: Aimee S
Date: 02-01-2004, 08:47 PM (11 of 32)
|
You have this wonderful trust then when you are on the computer you get an IM from some one you dont know and they say Hey hon missed you on the BB. love you lots I have been waiting for you to come on line I sent you a poem at xxxxx.com what are you doing right now sweety?? then you got to xxxxx.com and on chance your spouse used the same password like he always does and you find pages apon pages of email from this person. talking of how bad he is that they only used number on his BD cade instead of real candels when he told you he did not want a cake. and how her husband doesnt understand her and how she will always be there for him. Doesn't that blow trust right out of the water. My sister is now living with us because of this. For all she knew everything was great. both had friends also of oppisite sex but this one was a secret. She feels so betrayed. What blew her out of the water the most was not the other women saying that she loved my BIL but that my BIL was wanting a pic of the other woman. The more you disaprove, the more fun I am having!
http://photos.yahoo.com/aimeehs29 |
User: Aimee S
Member since: 02-23-2003 Total posts: 488
|
From: carman
Date: 02-01-2004, 09:01 PM (12 of 32)
well let's not go to the exteme here i have only been married for 15 years, just hit the 40 age mark, i respect highly the wisdom of women and men whom have been married to one person for many many years. my man was on the road for the 2 to 7 years of our marriage. he was home for sometimes 5 -8 days a month. so yes i know what trust in relationship is. many of my girlfriends at that time would ask if i was worried and with no doubt in my mind i said no. some of those girlfriends are no longer friends after they would not stop asking, as if to plant seeds of doubt in my mind. hubby and i have both very good friend of the opposite sex, but i must say i don;t even feel comfortable going out with dinner with another man and it only being the two of us. don't get me wrong i have done it, as has hubby, but we are quite happy to get together after and know that our eyes are for each other. as we have no kids hubby and i find we go out for a fun time with a wide variety of people, most of the time we find that we wind up at someones house or we at an event.i guess for me i just won't put myself in the postion of even having to worry. i find it funny that when people say that their affairs were a mistake, you ask them how long it went on, and they say 3 or 4 or so on months, once is a mistake, anymore is a thought out process already. anyways, we will agree to disagree i think, may we both have long and happy marriages
|
User: carman
Member since: 04-17-2000 Total posts: 692
|
From: MaryW
Date: 02-02-2004, 11:17 AM (13 of 32)
|
I have a lot to say but I have to be able to settle down to say it all. LOL.
MaryW
owner/editor of Sew Whats New |
User: MaryW
Member since: 06-23-2005 Total posts: 2542 
|
From: carman
Date: 02-02-2004, 02:12 PM (14 of 32)
oh oh, give it to us Mary, but be gentle
|
User: carman
Member since: 04-17-2000 Total posts: 692
|
From: MaryW
Date: 02-04-2004, 07:25 AM (15 of 32)
|
Maybe it is different for everyone. I dunno, I am no expert BUT you know when you are crossing the line. Everyone does. If you are having a relationship with someone online and sharing very personal feelings, emotions and thoughts with them that would normally be shared only with your husband, that is an affair in your mind. When you begin to discuss your spouse's shortcomings or ridicule him, when you berate him or put him down to another man, you are opening the door to invite trouble in. When you are exchanging intimate moments online with someone other than your husband I would say that is a mistake. If you feel you cannot share this intimacy with your husband, there is some sort of communication breakdown. The man/wife relationship is the most intimate there is. I have gone out to dinner with men other than my husband, but it is no fun. I have men friends, but I would never complain about my husband to them. It is ok to have men friends. Good grief, I talk to men almost everyday online, it's to do with the site or advertising, etc. It doesn't mean there is an affair. An online affair is a relatively new kind of relationship. I don't really know how to define one of those, but Aimee's BIL has a good start on one. Do I sound old fashioned and dated? If so, I don't care. My husband and I have been together almost every day since I was 14. That is  40 years. We love each other, have 3 grown children and perfect grandchildren. Not to say we are the perfect couple, far from it but we make it work. MaryW
owner/editor of Sew Whats New |
User: MaryW
Member since: 06-23-2005 Total posts: 2542
|
From: DorothyL
Date: 02-04-2004, 08:16 AM (16 of 32)
|
When you begin to discuss your spouse's shortcomings or ridicule him, when you berate him or put him down Isn't that a shortcoming in any relationship? Whenever I hear someone talk like that about someone they supposedly care about I wonder what is wrong with the person doing the complaining -- of course I don't mean those little gripes we all have just by virtue of living with a man. |
User: DorothyL
Member since: 12-09-2002 Total posts: 3883 |
From: plrlegal
Date: 02-04-2004, 10:17 AM (17 of 32)
|
These online intimate relationships are attractive to people, especially people who are already in troubled relationships, because they can be whoever they want the person on the other end to believe they are at any given time. Whereas, in a real time face to face relationship, you are who you are and it's hard to hide that. It just seems to me that in an online relationship you can live in a fantasy world of your own making if you never have to meet the other person face to face. I'm with Mary and Dorothy, when a woman persists in unkind , demeaning remarks about her husband, you gotta believe there might be some serious issues in that relationship. Patsy Patsy
|
User: plrlegal
Member since: 05-19-2001 Total posts: 318 |
From: Aimee S
Date: 02-04-2004, 02:26 PM (18 of 32)
|
OHHH great wise ones. She has been searching the internet on this subject and has found that there are many of these relationships going on and many marriages falling apart. There is nothing about helping her get through this. Her hubby says that he has cut all ties to the other person but my DS has cloned his email and messanger on my puter and he still has her as a contact on his buddy list. His IM pops up on my puter from the other woman. BIL never responds but it gives my DS crying fits. It is like she is going through a divorce. I think she should go home and take counseling and work through ethier staying or divorcing. They need to work on it for the kids to make what ever dicision amlicable (spelling) The more you disaprove, the more fun I am having!
http://photos.yahoo.com/aimeehs29 |
User: Aimee S
Member since: 02-23-2003 Total posts: 488
|
From: Mother in Law
Date: 02-04-2004, 02:29 PM (19 of 32)
|
Well said Mary. My sentiments exactly. I too speak with men on a daily basic dealing with the roofing company and the mobile home park and everything inbetween but I don't have the same intimacy with those men as I do with my husband and I wouldn't go out and eat lunch with one just becuase they asked me to unless it was a business thing and others were there also. I have been with my husband everyday, like you Mary, since I was 13 and that's about 39 years. He's my soul mate as most would call it. But you are right in saying that I would never confide my most precious secrets to anyone but him. Of couse my Mother and I did having a special relationship but she's gone now and somethings I didn't share with her I would with him. I guess you could say he's an extension of me. But you get the picture. I'm in this relationship for better or for worse and there's been plenty of worse along the way but the better was always so sweet. I think people today have no sense of commitment. If it's not working don't fix it, get rid of it and move on. It's society today in general with most things. Even material things. I'm no angel and neither is my hubby but we are both working on the same things in life, our family and it's happiness. Maybe it's our generation. I don't know but I definately don't like the way it is now. If I losted my hubby I would never remarry because I could never feel this way with any other man. Susie My 2¢ worth. |
User: Mother in Law
Member since: Total posts: |
From: DorothyL
Date: 02-04-2004, 09:02 PM (20 of 32)
|
Susie -- I agree with you about my relationship with my spouse. I'm just saying we can both have friends or either gender. They are friends -- sometimes very good friends -- and don't come between us. They wouldn't be very good friends if they wanted too, would they? Dorothy |
User: DorothyL
Member since: 12-09-2002 Total posts: 3883 |
From: Mother in Law
Date: 02-05-2004, 01:05 AM (21 of 32)
|
Dorothy, I hear what you are trying to say. I just wouldn't feel comfortable doing that because every man I've ever felt like I could just be friends with made me feel weird like they wanted more than just being friends eventually. I'm a very friendly person maybe it's the way I am and not the way it is but I personelly don't feel comfortable with it. susie |
User: Mother in Law
Member since: Total posts: |
From: plrlegal
Date: 02-05-2004, 11:06 AM (22 of 32)
|
Aimee I think you're right. DS needs to go home and confront her DH about this and then they need to decide if they want to work through this and save the marriage or end it. I know your DS is devastated by this but hiding out in your house is not going to change the fact that it has happened. I"m sure if her DH wanted to, he could find a way to block the incoming messages from this woman on his computer unless he is still involved. Just my $.02 worth. Patsy Patsy
|
User: plrlegal
Member since: 05-19-2001 Total posts: 318 |
From: MaryW
Date: 02-05-2004, 11:27 AM (23 of 32)
|
Yes, they definitely need to talk and a lot! If he were serious about repairing the damage, he would want his wife and family back with all the help he can get. Being totally committed is hard work. No doubt about it. I will ask my daughter where she can find some good advice on coping with the situation. MaryW
owner/editor of Sew Whats New |
User: MaryW
Member since: 06-23-2005 Total posts: 2542
|
From: MaryW
Date: 02-05-2004, 11:33 AM (24 of 32)
|
Here ya go, did your sister try these yet? I wish her good luck Aimee. http://infidelity.com/ http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html http://www.netaddiction.com/articles/cyberaffairs.htm MaryW
owner/editor of Sew Whats New |
User: MaryW
Member since: 06-23-2005 Total posts: 2542
|
From: talking_head
Date: 02-05-2004, 02:12 PM (25 of 32)
|
I think what makes a "realtionship" an affair is betrayal of trust. I agree with Mary, a husband-wife relationship is the most intimate of all relationships. But just sometimes you need a man's perpective on your relationship with your husband. I am waaay younger than most of you on the board and have been married for a little over a year (so, yes, I have a LOT to learn). I discuss my marriage with my mother sometimes and sometimes with my close friends(guys and gals alike). Ofcourse, my husband is aware of the conversations, so my conscience is clear. In the end, we all know instinctively where to draw the line. A relationship gone sour is not a result of having crossed the line, rather it's very source.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cheers! Savani |
User: talking_head
Member since: 12-17-2003 Total posts: 90 
|
From: MaryW
Date: 02-06-2004, 08:11 AM (26 of 32)
|
I think we have all discussed our marriages with our mothers. Mine is gone now, but I miss her.
MaryW
owner/editor of Sew Whats New |
User: MaryW
Member since: 06-23-2005 Total posts: 2542
|
From: AnnH
Date: 04-16-2004, 01:00 PM (27 of 32)
|
The question was: When Is an Internet Relationship an Affair?? The answer is.....the SECOND you start a 'conversation' with someone you understand to be NOT your husband or SO. If it is a site such as this one(bulletin board) someone asks a question online and you answer online and that's that no big deal...but if it is a chat room...that is whole nother kettle of fish. Chat rooms are the downfall of many marriages. This whole internet vs marriage thing reminds me of back in the 70's/80's when wife swapping was the thing to do and so many professed to have this 'open' marriage and it was no big deal....LOL...NOT! The end result of those 'open marriages' is that divorces skyrocketed. I don't spend much time on the internet but recently during a research project I was doing...I read that there is a guy on all the sewing sites that some gals were saying seems to be quite knowlegable about sewing machines but I hear tell he won't answer some questions unless you email him personally using your true name and email address. ....in talking with the males in my family they are saying what's up with that dude...they would not be comfortable with that at all. This whole issue of the internet and affairs is sooooo going to be the downfall of relationships that why even go there. |
User: AnnH
Member since: 03-07-2002 Total posts: 7 |
From: paroper
Date: 04-16-2004, 04:59 PM (28 of 32)
|
I think that there are a lot of issues here. I don't know how you can have an affair online. I do believe that you can fall in love with a fantasy. I certainly don't know how you can be sure that the person you meet there really even exists. I know plenty of dumpy old women who are tall, young, beautiful, rich, and interesting, with perfect figures, etc online. People paint fantasy online. It is a place that lonely, bored depressed people become the person of their dreams and there is no limit to what you can become. I know several people who have had marriages break up over people they met online and I know people who have left their spouse to be with someone they met there. Every one that I know of that has done this has ended up disappointed. I'm sure there are exceptions, but I haven't met them. The thing that I see happening is that people are becoming OBSESSED with people they meet there. When people spend all the time they can online with others, ignore their marriage, lives and children to be there, it is obsession. Someday there will ONLINE Anon. for people who have online proplems...it really isn't anything different from gambling or anything else that takes us away from reality and promises us something better than what we have. It kills marriages and ruins lives. It is a real problem in our society.
pam
Bernina 200e, Artista V5 Designer Plus, Explorations, Magic Box, Bernina 2000DE & 335 Bernette Serger, Bernina 1530 Sewing Machine, Bernina 1300 DC Overlock (with coverstitch) |
User: paroper
Member since: 02-03-2004 Total posts: 3775 |
From: NanCee
Date: 04-27-2004, 12:02 AM (29 of 32)
|
Amen. You said it. |
User: NanCee
Member since: 04-15-2004 Total posts: 76 |
From: blackie
Date: 05-23-2004, 10:44 PM (30 of 32)
|
I am 27 and have been married for 3 years with two kids. I agree with Mary's "old-fashioned" ideas of what constitutes an affair. It doesn't have to be physical to be inappropriate. And it is definitely crossing a line when it gets to saying demeaning things about your spouse or confiding intimate details of your life that you aren't sharing with your spouse / SO. However, like Dorothy, both my husband and I have friends of both genders (and sexual orientations). We trust the other quite a bit. However, there have been a few women who were interested in being friends (or more?) with my husband and I did not particularly trust these women. This also happened for my husband -- he did not trust a male friend (and ex-boyfriend) of mine. In both cases my husband and I gave up these associations in order to keep the other happy. I think we have the right balance of trust and caution. Mother In Law, I think it is wonderful you are cautious about being friends with men. But to say you are uncomfortable with either your or your husband having a friendship with someone from the opposite sex seems to be unnecessarily restictive. Being good friends with a man can be a lot of fun and has an entirely different tone than a friendship with another woman! Still, if it is what best serves your marriage then your reservations are in the right spirit. see the mundane life of a housewife.
|
User: blackie
Member since: 03-31-2004 Total posts: 594 |
From: Mother in Law
Date: 05-23-2004, 11:48 PM (31 of 32)
|
My husband is a very insecure person when it comes to me being friends with other men. He doesn't like for me to be in the presents of some men he knows at all and some he couldn't careless if I'm there or not. He tells me that he can tell the way certain men talk about women in general if they are out on the prowl or just a nice guy wanting to make conversation. He thinks, like the guy on that show "When Harry Met Sally", a man can't be friends with a women because the sex thing always gets in the way. I do not make men my friends unless they are friends of both my husband and me. It just is too uncomfortable for him and this doesn't matter one way or another to me if I don't or do have male friends. Although I do have plenty of male friends that are friends of both of us not just me. I saw my brother In law, my hubbys brother, bring a girl home one day to his wife and tell her they were friends from grade school. And they were really. She acted as though she was my sister in laws best friend. My sister in law watched her little girl while she worked, she was meeting my brother in law on most of those days and checking into a motel with him while his wife baby sat her kid. This went on for months and months. My SIL even was this girls witness in her divorce hearing. Call me a scary cat but I don't trust men and women being friends with the oppisite sex. It can go a stray too easy. I've seen it too many times. My stupid SIL is still married to the dog. 35 years of cheating. |
User: Mother in Law
Member since: Total posts: |
From: weB2cats
Date: 07-19-2004, 12:37 AM (32 of 32)
|
When there's lust on your mind, deceit in your soul and dishonesty in your heart. If there's nothing to to the online relationship, just let your significant other know about it. No secrets. If you don't feel comfortable with that, then there most likely is something disloyal going on. |
User: weB2cats
Member since: 11-07-2002 Total posts: 232 |
Visit Sew What’s Up for the latest sewing and quilting tips and discussions.
This page was originally located on Sew What’s New (www.sew-whats-new.com) at http://www.sew-whats-new.com/vb/archive/index.php/t-11969.html
Sew What’s Up is hosted by ZenSoft