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From: MaryW
Date: 03-20-2004, 06:49 PM (1 of 17)
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What do you do when one of your adult children is really going down the wrong path. I mean, it is so disappointing to you to watch this. What do you do? Can you leave a subtle hint or watch them go? MaryW
owner/editor of Sew Whats New |
User: MaryW
Member since: 06-23-2005 Total posts: 2542 
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From: Chrysantha
Date: 03-20-2004, 08:29 PM (2 of 17)
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I'd speak up, but then I DO speak up whether the advice is wanted or not...better to get whatevers upsetting you, off your chest than to let it make you crazy for NOT speaking up. Lots of times you have to let others make their own mistakes, but you can always talk to them about it, they may take your adivce and they may not, but at least you've made the effort.... Hints are great, but only if the person hinted at realizes it's a hint to help.... Chrys
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User: Chrysantha
Member since: 09-06-2002 Total posts: 2414 
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From: Mom of Six
Date: 03-20-2004, 09:52 PM (3 of 17)
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I think it depends on if it is something life threatening or illegal I would have to speak up. If it is the wrong friends/ boyfriend I think you have to just let it run its course & hope for the best. I have found that if a parent lets a child know that they don't approve a friend it makes the friend seem more interesting. If the wrong path is career/job related then I think they need to find out on their own or they might resent you later. I don't know if what I said helps or makes sense but I feel for you & hope everything turns out OK. I have had to bite my tongue a few times to keep from saying something to one of my older children. They have usually made the right desicion, sometimes it just took longer than I wanted. Now if DD# 3 gets through her new problems all should be well for a while. Barb
Happiness is having time to sew!! |
User: Mom of Six
Member since: 11-03-2001 Total posts: 1115 
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From: mamahoogie
Date: 03-20-2004, 10:00 PM (4 of 17)
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That really is a tough call isn't it? I will usually voice my opinion and then let it ride. Harping on the same thing over and over never helps but I feel as a parent they should know where I stand. Also, I absolutely refuse to be an enabler. My girls heard all their life that their decisions are their's alone and they either reap the rewards or suffer the consquences. I'm always there for them emotionally but I don't usually bail them out. I guess I'm a believer in tough love. I never had problems with anything illegal or drugs or alcohol abuse but if I did suspect it, they knew they would be in rehab the moment I found out...whether they wanted to be or not! Good luck. I feel for you. Violet I've decided to live forever - so far, so good.
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User: mamahoogie
Member since: 12-25-2002 Total posts: 461 |
From: Mother in Law
Date: 03-20-2004, 11:53 PM (5 of 17)
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My Mother use to say all the time When they are little they are little problems and when they are big they are big problems. Well she was right. Mary I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut and it gets me into all kinds of hurtful lectures where I say things I should not say but it makes me want to tie them up and not let them do some of the things they are doing. But then again if I keep my mouth shut it only makes me feel worse that I didn't care enough to say something about what I thought they were doing was wrong or going to hurt them. I have a hard time with this one with all my children. And the worst part of it is they all have children who they are dragging through these divorces, and then trashy girlfriends, who I wouldn't have approved of them associating with when they lived in my house. My husband thinks I will have a nervous break down over the kids all the time. I get so worked up over them, he tells me to let them live their lives and make their mistakes. But they wouldn't have to make mistakes if they only listen to me. Hubby was a little wild in his young days so he understands some of what they are doing. I'm not that way, I had a Mother who instilled the wrath of God in me to the point that if I so much as thought of doing something that wasn't right I would be struck down and dead. ........Yes she was good on guilt trips and I was good at taking them. LOL |
User: Mother in Law
Member since: Total posts: |
From: bren
Date: 03-21-2004, 03:53 AM (6 of 17)
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The hardest thing in the world is to watch your child take the wrong road ... I would let them know I disagreed with there life style... but let them know you love them... not there action's...and then do your best to keep hand's off. They have to learn there own lesson's ...I know I did anyway... I went down the wrong road myself... I came back. Lot's of love helped me... I hope this help's you Mary. I'm here if you need me.
Bren:
Don't let anyone ...Live Rent Free In Your Head |
User: bren
Member since: 11-30-2002 Total posts: 489 
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From: DorothyL
Date: 03-21-2004, 08:44 AM (7 of 17)
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I guess it depends on how serious the 'wrong path' is but a lot of the time I end up just shutting up and finding common ground to talk about. If they are going to screw up they are going to screw up. There is nothing I can do about it. I always just think if they aren't dead or in jail I did alright. And, with daughters, I always made a point of teaching them not to have kids until they are ready to raise them because I don't want anymore -- I got a dog. So far that worked. Good luck Mary. It seems that with kids sometimes the heartache isn't worth it -- but of course it is. Dorothy |
User: DorothyL
Member since: 12-09-2002 Total posts: 3883 |
From: Magot
Date: 03-21-2004, 01:32 PM (8 of 17)
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I thimk Bren said it for me, tell them how you feel and then let them make their own way and take the consequences. And be firm, those consequences are theirs, difficult when this has the added fallout of affecting kids - be prepared if they do anything illegal to be the one to go to the police.
love and kisses, Jan
Guts-R-Us Cells a Speciality DNA to order. |
User: Magot
Member since: 12-22-2002 Total posts: 3626 
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From: shirleyp
Date: 03-21-2004, 02:03 PM (9 of 17)
| Has anyone tried tough love. If so, did it help. We are trying this with one of our children and its tearing me apart. I watch my family and see them always being there, but, their children keep doing wrong things. We figured to try this in order to help my son, but I can't handle it. We love him so much and hope by doing this he will maybe sit back and figure it out. |
User: shirleyp
Member since: 02-12-2002 Total posts: 352 
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From: Mother in Law
Date: 03-21-2004, 03:54 PM (10 of 17)
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Shirley, I feel the pain you are going through. It's so hard to watch them do some of the thing they do and not lift a hand to help them. But as you said tough love is the right way to go. I really want to move away because I can't stand to see the things they are doing and watch them ruin their lives. My sons aren't doing the illegal things it's just that they tend to pick the ranchy women that are doing things that is not setting good examples for their children. Some how it makes you feel like you failed as a parent but I know I did everything I could to instill good values they are just choosing to go the other way at the moment. I just hope they wake up and find those good values I know that are deep down inside. My sons are very trusting. I think that is so much of the problem. |
User: Mother in Law
Member since: Total posts: |
From: MaryW
Date: 03-21-2004, 05:01 PM (11 of 17)
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Shirley, we were just about ready to try the "tough love" with one of ours a few years back. It is harder on you than it is on them. Keep it up, you won't be sorry.
MaryW
owner/editor of Sew Whats New |
User: MaryW
Member since: 06-23-2005 Total posts: 2542
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From: mamahoogie
Date: 03-21-2004, 11:00 PM (12 of 17)
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Yes, tough love is tough on parents too but if not properly it works well. I was fair but strict with my girls and when the youngest one said to me one day "you were right to make me be home by midnight. There is nothing after midnight to do but get into trouble." and then she added "and I'm going to raise my kids the same way". That's when I knew all the strictness and standing firm paid off. Hang in there. they do grow up eventually. Violet 
I've decided to live forever - so far, so good.
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User: mamahoogie
Member since: 12-25-2002 Total posts: 461 |
From: shirleyp
Date: 03-22-2004, 12:50 PM (13 of 17)
| Thank you ladies for the support. It's been almost a yr. since we started and I was ready to give up. The great thing is I do see some changes. My son and daughter were not communicating and now she's written him a letter. My other son is now question his attitude toward his brother and now is willing to try and form a relationship. They are all mad at him for his attitude. I keep telling them that if we can't show love as a family, how can we show love to others. It has to start with us. |
User: shirleyp
Member since: 02-12-2002 Total posts: 352
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From: MaryW
Date: 03-22-2004, 12:55 PM (14 of 17)
It must have been a very hard year for you. I can relate. However, you are seeing some definite results so just hang in there and talk to us whenever you feel the need. There is always someone rattling around here wanting to talk. 
MaryW
owner/editor of Sew Whats New |
User: MaryW
Member since: 06-23-2005 Total posts: 2542
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From: shirleyp
Date: 03-22-2004, 07:21 PM (15 of 17)
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Thank you Mary, You might regret those words. I might just yak my head off too much.  Just trying to get some humour in my life. What do they say, laughter is the best medicine. |
User: shirleyp
Member since: 02-12-2002 Total posts: 352
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From: MariLynnTX
Date: 05-24-2004, 12:18 PM (16 of 17)
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I had 7 children. The one who gave me the hardest time when he was a teenager died in 1999 of leukemia which he probably contracted when he was in the Navy and down in Antarctica 'on the ice,' as they called it as sailors. So many who were there have died that there is a class-action suit over it...it seems the Navy didn't tell us that nuclear wastes were buried there. He left a wife and two teen-agers. I called him 'my hippy son,' with long hair, etc. and one daughter was 'my flower child.' I confiscated any marijuana I found when I was cleaning their rooms without mentioning it. We had discussed all these things that were controversial at the time and they knew I disapproved of any type of drug, including tobacco, and also of loose lifestyles, and that I was religious and they were raised to be. They grew out of these phases eventually. I never threw them out or treated them with other than love and humor, and they didn't flaunt their faults in front of me or speak in an ugly way to me, even when I made it clear how I felt about certain of their friends, and requested that their friends not misuse God's name or use vulgar language in my house. Some of those friends still come around and they also have changed into well-behaved normal hard-working adults whose language is respectable!! I had one daughter who was and is bi-polar, whose fantasies caused her father a heart attack (he had five, although he was very careful with medicine and diet) that was very close to fatal. She is more careful now about staying on her medication and is now accepted by her brothers and sisters with whom there had been great rifts because of her behavior. But all these things passed and we are all doing well now and love each other very much. So pray a lot and hang in there! Enjoy your grandchildren...I have 15 living! MariLynntx
Life is a song...we give it harmony or dissonance.
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User: MariLynnTX
Member since: 08-13-2001 Total posts: 256 |
From: weB2cats
Date: 07-11-2004, 12:30 PM (17 of 17)
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Long-term goals are foreign to so many people. Whether they are teenagers involved in sexual relationships for the short-term, kids enjoying drugs with their friends, divorces, debt, etc. All the unpleasantries of life do eventually have to be dealt with. And I think coping strategies is what's important to instill in our children. Never as a child or an adult did my parents teach me about good study habits in school (and my dad was a teacher), about the 10% rule-of-thumb about saving money, flossing my teeth, vitamins and nutrients for the body. So much I learned from friends or relatives. I'm certain that some mental illnesses are a direct result of emotionally drained people who have no coping mechanisms for getting over hurdles in life. Divorce is often a result of that. Although this is a tough situation, sometimes it is better to go separate ways and redirect your goals. This is a good focus especially if you have no children. Take the opportunity to go back to college, learn some skills, find a decent job. When people are hurting, they often make unwise choices. But it is not okay to drag children into situations that they aren't responsible for or emotionally mature enough to understand. Maybe putting thoughts to paper will help you in deciding what course of action you can be comfortable with. The other person must also commit to paper Plan A and Plan B and maybe even Plan C in the event of alternate solutions to their problems. Those kinds of skills are not taught in school and are invaluable tools that will last a lifetime. |
User: weB2cats
Member since: 11-07-2002 Total posts: 232 |
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