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From: blackie
Date: 09-06-2004, 08:39 PM (1 of 20)
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I have a relatively close friend who is starting to drive me nuts. We have been friends for a little less than a year, and I am starting to notice she is one of those people who is a chameleon in our friendship. She looks up to me as a mother, wife, and friend to the point of unrealistic hero-worship. We are both young mothers (me, 27 years old with a 2 1/2 year-old daughter and 5 month-old son; she - 21 years old with a 10 month-old daughter) and she looks up to me as a mentor. Flattering at first, annoying now because it is too much. The other day she actually told me, "Everytime I have a feeling and I'm not sure if it's okay, I talk to you about it before I make up my mind" or something to that effect. I was pretty shocked that she used my opinions or advice to the exclusion of her own identity! I mean, it's nice to have someone look up to you, but I am starting to realize our friendship is pretty unbalanced! For instance, we seem to spend most of our time talking about HER issues with very little give-and-take for me. I have had the feeling she tries to be the person she thinks I want her to be. She only expresses opinions like my own, and her feelings are terribly hurt if I pull away. The problem is, her clingy behavior makes me WANT to pull away. I will take some space from her for a few days and this always makes her cautious and timid. Then when we have another date, suddenly she is happy again and calls me a few times a day about very trivial stuff! Argh! I am feeling claustrophobic! I want a friendship with this woman, just a more balanced and less needy one! Is this even possible? Has anyone had this situation? What did you do about it? Should I continue to bite my tongue and pray for patience? Should I say something to her? I am loathe to say anything because I think it will only hurt her feelings (and I'm sure it would). Should I distance myself from this friendship, thereby sacrificing the good things about it? see the mundane life of a housewife.
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User: blackie
Member since: 03-31-2004 Total posts: 594 |
From: Bama
Date: 09-06-2004, 11:04 PM (2 of 20)
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That's a hard one. You could try not giving her advice as much as she asks for it. Ask her what she thinks first. If she's talking more about her own issues, try to get her on a different subject. Sounds like she's pretty insecure. My sister is a little like that. She calls me asking for advice all the time. Especially about her son. She's so over protective. She NEEDS to be reassured whenever she has to make a decision about him, like whether he needs to go to the doctor, should she let him spend the night at a friend's house, is he old enough to do this or that... etc..... Good luck! |
User: Bama
Member since: 03-21-2000 Total posts: 2116 
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From: elrey
Date: 09-14-2004, 10:35 PM (3 of 20)
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Hi, I am a 41 yo old woman with some life and friend experience behind me and you put it out there and asked for advice so here it comes.... Loose her, drop her, get rid of her. If you have to become the B word to do it then do it. She is no friend she is an emotional leech. She will do nothing for you but drain you in the end. Do it. Cut it off. Been there done that. Get rid of her. I know you dont want to rock the boat and hurt her feelings but you have you and yours to think about. again....GET RID OF HER NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES. Jackie |
User: elrey
Member since: 09-14-2004 Total posts: 2 |
From: MarciaK
Date: 09-15-2004, 01:11 AM (4 of 20)
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Yeah, What SHE said... I avoid "needy" like the plague!!! I recently met somebody, and since I'm new to this area I thought "great", BUT I found out more about her family secrets in 4 hours than I ever want to know or need to know. It was like nobody had listened in so long that she had to gush, and all of the sudden I was her best friend. Her husband even said that we have a lot in common. How does he know? I think he was trying to push her off on me. Not gonna happen. I'm 51 and have no time for that, however one of my "old" friends can call anytime. |
User: MarciaK
Member since: 02-06-2004 Total posts: 32 
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From: Holly Berry
Date: 09-15-2004, 07:43 AM (5 of 20)
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If you just dump her you are reinforcing her insercurities. Something got her to this place, And I bet it behavior of people who are only thinking of there selves. Just guide her. Just say " Your a smart lady you'll know what to do". Lift her up, don't tear her down more. See her as the friend with a problem. Not the problem. Holly Berry
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User: Holly Berry
Member since: 09-10-2003 Total posts: 77 
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From: MaryW
Date: 09-15-2004, 08:00 AM (6 of 20)
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Well said!
MaryW
owner/editor of Sew Whats New |
User: MaryW
Member since: 06-23-2005 Total posts: 2542 
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From: Chrysantha
Date: 09-15-2004, 10:59 AM (7 of 20)
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hhhmmmm...I didn't post at first because I didn't want to seem negative, but since you all did..I'll put my two cents in...Needy people do not become less needy over time...they become MORE needy. I really hate to say it, but I'd give less time to her, because all she'll do it take up MORE time than you need to give. She has problems and YOU will never be able to help her fix them. I suspect she does this to everyone...needy people often do....they really are like leeches. You can be polite about it, but really don't let her get to you.....
Chrys
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User: Chrysantha
Member since: 09-06-2002 Total posts: 2414 
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From: DorothyL
Date: 09-15-2004, 12:53 PM (8 of 20)
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Like Chrys I kept out of this but now that I'm not the only bully I'll put in my bit. While Jackie may have sounded a bit harsh, she's right. The thing about people like that is that they are often so self centered that they can't really be friends. While you may want to avoid hurting them and damaging their self esteem, you have other places to focus your energy. If she needs that kind of help suggest she see a professional. People like that will drain you and move on to a new victim. Dorothy |
User: DorothyL
Member since: 12-09-2002 Total posts: 3883 |
From: LeapFrog Libby
Date: 09-15-2004, 01:39 PM (9 of 20)
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I kept out of this til now, but you need to take the step my Mom did over 50 years ago with a friend.. She was too dependent on Mom, and was taking all her time.. Mom just got her alone one day and said something like :: I love you and want to keep you for a friend, but if I have to spend all my free time with you, I will have to give up your friendship.. I cannot afford to give up all my other friends, I have too many years invested in them..I have to spend time with family also... I do value your friendship, but you also need other friends.. Nobody should have just one friend, it is not healthy.:: That lady ended up being a loyal friend to my Mom for the rest of her life.. She stopped all that clinging and strangling and made lots of other friends, also..It turned out she was painfully shy, but Mom's talk scared her into biting the bullet and trying harder to approach people and it worked..
Sew With Love
Libby |
User: LeapFrog Libby
Member since: 05-01-2002 Total posts: 2022 
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From: MaryW
Date: 09-15-2004, 05:52 PM (10 of 20)
Aw geesh, we all stepped into it at the same time. Do we need boots. 
MaryW
owner/editor of Sew Whats New |
User: MaryW
Member since: 06-23-2005 Total posts: 2542
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From: MaryW
Date: 09-15-2004, 05:56 PM (11 of 20)
It's true. I had a friend like that once. My husband could tell when she had come around for the afternoon just by the look on my face. 
MaryW
owner/editor of Sew Whats New |
User: MaryW
Member since: 06-23-2005 Total posts: 2542
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From: Bama
Date: 09-15-2004, 06:27 PM (12 of 20)
I like Libby's answer.  There's a way to say something without hurting her feelings as much. I can't stand to be mean to anyone no matter how much they get on my nerves. Try a nicer approach first.
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User: Bama
Member since: 03-21-2000 Total posts: 2116
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From: MarciaK
Date: 09-16-2004, 01:01 AM (13 of 20)
| You don't have to be mean, just less available. |
User: MarciaK
Member since: 02-06-2004 Total posts: 32
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From: elrey
Date: 09-16-2004, 01:41 AM (14 of 20)
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It's true. I had a friend like that once. My husband could tell when she had come around for the afternoon just by the look on my face. So how come you dont have THAT friend anymore? Jackie |
User: elrey
Member since: 09-14-2004 Total posts: 2 |
From: MaryW
Date: 09-16-2004, 08:40 AM (15 of 20)
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She divorced and moved away.
MaryW
owner/editor of Sew Whats New |
User: MaryW
Member since: 06-23-2005 Total posts: 2542
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From: shirleyp
Date: 09-16-2004, 12:34 PM (16 of 20)
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I have been through many situations, with clingy people. They are insecure and somehow self-centered. Part of it is they have not been loved and are very lonely. It is hard to change ones self. I have problems that some people don't like and it hurts. What makes them better than me, is usually my thought. So I try to understand them and stop being self-centered myself. Many times I fail, especially when I see one coming towards me in the mall, and I walk into a shop and hope they haven't seen me. I'm the one who usually feels bad about it. The greatest commandment is this "love your neighbour as yourself" The hardest thing to do!!!!!!!! |
User: shirleyp
Member since: 02-12-2002 Total posts: 352 
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From: Joho
Date: 09-16-2004, 01:09 PM (17 of 20)
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Speaking from experience, I have to agree that "dumping" her is a little harsh. I'm one of those reserved quiet types who is nearly always perceived as standoffish and snotty. The friendships that I've had have been enduring and fulfilling, but as I've gotten older, we've moved away from each other, and I've recently found myself without any local friends. A couple of years ago, a former coworker invited me out to lunch, and we discovered we had great fun hanging out with each other. This new friendship brought me great joy, and my husband was pleased to see that I was having fun that was about ME, instead of us. She and I saw each other weekly, talked and emailed occasionally during the week. This carried on for 6-8 months, then stopped cold. She wouldn't return my calls, and if she answered the phone, she didn't have time to talk. If I emailed her and asked her about making plans for lunch or dinner the next week, she was "too busy" all the time. Of course, there are only so many times I can tolerate rejection, so I stopped asking. If I inquired about her well-being, I was told "fine, but so busy, gotta go," and that was it. I was devastated. Here was a woman whom I admired, whose opinion I trusted, whose creativity was inspiring, who was funny and made great conversation and who was as flawed and insecure and kooky as I was -- she wanted to be my friend! and all of a sudden she wasn't my friend any more. It was a horrible feeling to find myself crying on the sofa at night like an eleven-year-old girl. We're co-workers again now, and we speak to each other but little. An occasional how-do in the hallway is the extent of our interaction. I will never know what I did, and it's possible that I didn't do anything, but I will never forget how horribly lonely and unworthy I felt when I realized that she didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. I have another friend who I find tiresome, and I frequently feel frustrated when I hear her unchanging complaints, or when she makes intrusive remarks or questions. She is not someone with whom I have much in common with, but she has been a good friend to me in times of need, and I do care for her well-being. I feel better when I steer the conversation away from those topics that make me uncomfortable. I give myself a strict time-budget when we get together, telling myself that after the movie, I'll only spend one hour with her over coffee and pie. I limit the number of emails I send to her and I limit my replies as well. I try to keep in mind the reasons why I like this person, and that helps. Now I'm pregnant with my first child, and her enthusiasm was freaking me out, so I've really had to step back. She's 11 years older than I am, she's never been married and she's childless, so I suspect that she's trying to get a sense of what she's missed. But sometimes I feel resentful that she's getting her vicarious ya-ya's off of my experience. I also resent the things she says about my husband (who is also 11 years older than I am, and I think this bothers her). Someday I'm sure I'll stop biting my tongue and I'll have to speak frankly, and then let the chips fall where they may. I keep my mouth shut in the meantime, because I don't want to cause her any more suffering than she causes herself. I know what I can tolerate, and I try to operate within those parameters. Peace, |
User: Joho
Member since: 09-14-2004 Total posts: 5 |
From: Magot
Date: 09-16-2004, 05:35 PM (18 of 20)
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The greatest commandment is this "love your neighbour as yourself" So true Shirley. The thing to remember, Blackie, is that you are allowed to love yourself as well. We have all had clingy friends - with mine I had to realise that it was not good for me to see this woman on a Monday because it pulled me down. So I made sure that I saw her at a different time. Eventually our friendship fizzled out because I was not who she wanted me to be. She still has stuff in my loft and I haven't had the courage to fix a tine to see her - I know I will find it draining. And even through all that she was good fun to be with and we had some good times. It is a sad but true fact that there are people in this world who are bottomless pits and so you have to recognise that and plan your life accordingly. love and kisses, Jan
Guts-R-Us Cells a Speciality DNA to order. |
User: Magot
Member since: 12-22-2002 Total posts: 3626 
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From: blackie
Date: 09-16-2004, 06:13 PM (19 of 20)
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I have been so amazed at the great comments here. It has really given me pause and made me think things over. JoHo, I especially appreciate your perspective on being the one "dumped". And I agree with what's been spoken here that even if you decide to back off on a friendship, you can do so gently. shirleyp, your description of "insecure and somehow self-centered" is perfect for my friend. I crave a real friendship with this person, but I think in order for that to happen she would have to move past her insecurity (which is unlikely) and take the time to ask about me and be interested in my life (again, unlikely). I think I need to work on gently setting boundaries with this person so she can move on to someone else who is willing to fill the role of therapist for her. Thanks for the advice, ladies... I look forward to reading more about your friendships and experiences. see the mundane life of a housewife.
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User: blackie
Member since: 03-31-2004 Total posts: 594 |
From: rose074
Date: 12-21-2004, 12:14 AM (20 of 20)
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I've had similar experiences with "squids". They just suck the life out of you but at the same time you feel like they need you, or someone like you. I've found that it is great to help them expand their circle of friends. Join a MOPs group or a playgroup. Arrange play dates with neighbors or friends. Go out for coffee with a third friend. I've been able to relieve some of the pressure this way. It's better when their needs are spread out over more people. Maybe they'll even decide that somebody else suits them better.
Danelle in Tri-Cities Washington
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User: rose074
Member since: 12-23-2000 Total posts: 73 
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