Sew What’s Up Presents
The Sew What’s New Archive
This archived content is from Mary Wilkins’ sewing and
quilting message board “Sew What’s New,” which was
retired in August 2007. It is being provided by
“Sew What’s Up,”
which serves as the new home for many members of “Sew What’s New.”
From: Bama
Date: 10-16-2004, 11:53 PM (1 of 33)
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My husband's mother is really getting in bad health. She's 77. She's had arthritus for years, but is getting much worse. She's also having some tests done on her kidneys, as they are not functioning properly. Plus she has blockage in her neck and her doctor doesn't think she can survive surgery. She had a mild stroke about 6 years ago and has went downhill since then. Today was bad. She cried and said she's not good for anything anymore. Now she can't bathe herself. It upset her that I had to help her. My FIL is no help. Every time I ask her a question, he answers for her. He wants to do everything, but he's 80 years old and not able to. It's driving my MIL nuts that her house is not the way she likes it to be, but my FIL complains about everything I try to do. I guess he can't stand it that he can't do everything she needs done. My husband has 4 brothers, but 3 live out of state. The one here isn't married. He takes her to most of her appointments, but I'll be the one giving baths and such. I don't know what we'll do if she gets much worse. She can still get herself to the bathroom, but barely. I can't afford to take off work for long if she needs someone there all day. She doesn't want a nurse. I feel like DH's brothers and their wives expect me to do everything. One of them called me today and said I needed to take charge! It's easy for them to say without FIL griping at them.  I don't mind doing whatever they want me to do, but what am I supposed to do when my in-laws don't want me to help??
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User: Bama
Member since: 03-21-2000 Total posts: 2116 
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From: shirleyp
Date: 10-17-2004, 12:34 AM (2 of 33)
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Bama, This is a hard time for the elderly. It is actually frustrating, because their minds are like a 20 yr old but the body is giving up. An elderly woman just told me this the other day. She said I think I would of prefered it if my mind would slow down along with my body. Can't imagine till I get there. Hang in there, you are doing a great job just trying to help. |
User: shirleyp
Member since: 02-12-2002 Total posts: 352 
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From: sewingrandma
Date: 10-17-2004, 06:58 AM (3 of 33)
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It's not easy taking care of the elderly. Their minds see themselves as a younger verson of what they are now and they get frustrated that they can't do what they use to. They become embarassed about not being able to care for themselves like they use to also. You say your MIL doesn't want a nurse to come in, why? There are home health agencies that send Aides to the home for a few hours to help bathe, dress, transfer out of bed etc. Some even cook and clean house also. Is meals on wheels available to them? Taking care of the elderly can drain you physically and mentally. Make sure you have time for just you. You and your husband need to have a serious talk with the other siblings because one family can't do it alone and still keep their sanity. The one thing you don't want to do is totally take over all duties of your in-laws. They still need to feel like they have some control over their lives. Good luck to you and I will definitely keep you in my prayers.
Brockie
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User: sewingrandma
Member since: 03-06-2003 Total posts: 432 |
From: DorothyL
Date: 10-17-2004, 09:11 AM (4 of 33)
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Bama -- We just went through a similar situation with my in-laws. After my father-in-law died my mother-in-law, once a very strong woman, became completely dependent on my husband. He paid her bills and made all her decisions. It was very hard on him. This went on about a year-and-a-half until her health began to fail. Then family members took turns -- some coming from great distances and giving up parts of their lives -- and incomes -- to help out. I don't know how we would have made it without them. (Especially since caring for my mother-in-law meant dealing on a daily basis with the sister-in-law from hell). I agree with sewing grandma -- the rest of the family has to help. You just can't go it alone and they need to understand that. Good luck Dorothy |
User: DorothyL
Member since: 12-09-2002 Total posts: 3883 |
From: Hogmami
Date: 10-17-2004, 09:47 AM (5 of 33)
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I agree the rest of the family needs to help. Out of 4 kids I am the only one living near my mom. I have been trying for the last 2 years to get help from my 2 sisters and brother. My one sister comes home for 1 week twice a year but feels its her vacation and she shouldn't do anything. My health isn't as good as it should be but I am trying hard to do what I can for my mom. My son lives here and he is a big help. My husband is good about helping and so is my daughter in law. The other day, I had to take her to 3 appointments, She got upset that it was taking up so much of my time, she decided that we would sent a bill to my sisters and brother. I'm not proud of doing that but I did. Mom thinks that it will make them see that I need some help. I would just like it if one of them would come home for 3 weeks so I can have a vacation.
Carolyn
Michigan |
User: Hogmami
Member since: 09-30-2004 Total posts: 800 
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From: Sunni Florida
Date: 10-17-2004, 10:15 AM (6 of 33)
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I would suggest you have a person (if you can find one) to come to their home and help out for few hours a day or week. My mother did this with Dad and it made such a difference in her life. We only had one sister in town and it took the burden off of her. Depneding on the state, medicare may help with expenses. |
User: Sunni Florida
Member since: 04-16-2004 Total posts: 2 |
From: Hogmami
Date: 10-17-2004, 12:23 PM (7 of 33)
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I know in Michigan we have Commission on Aging. I do have a lady from there that goes in once a week to clean. And can get nursing help and an aide to help with baths. My mom doesn't need that yet. But I did have that help when she had knee surgery. If she has the other knee done, I will most certainy get that help again. Right now in this area of Michigan the commission doesn't have any body to help drive people to appointments. Home Health Nurses are good. (My cousin is the head of them for my county) Meals on wheels is another good thing. At least you know they are getting one good meal a day. And they will fix them if they are on a special diet. Carolyn
Michigan |
User: Hogmami
Member since: 09-30-2004 Total posts: 800
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From: MaryW
Date: 10-17-2004, 01:40 PM (8 of 33)
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Bama, sorry you are going thru this. You will have to sit down with hubby and his family. Explain to them exactly what the situation is. Leave nothing out and let them make the decision. It is their parents. You have to give them the responsibility. Tell them exactly why you cannot be available full time. This is not something you have to take on all by yourself, don't even try. MaryW
owner/editor of Sew Whats New |
User: MaryW
Member since: 06-23-2005 Total posts: 2542 
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From: Chrysantha
Date: 10-17-2004, 03:52 PM (9 of 33)
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I agree with Mary....it's really NOT your problem...it's your husbands and HIS siblings. Helping out is great, IF you feel you can do it, don't ever try to do EVERYTHING alone. Speak out and ask for help....or if it were me, I'd demand it...
Chrys
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User: Chrysantha
Member since: 09-06-2002 Total posts: 2414 
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From: Mischka
Date: 10-17-2004, 06:27 PM (10 of 33)
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Just wanted to recommend a book to anyone with aging parents or inlaws. It's called "When Love Gets Tough" by Doug Manning, available from In-Sight Books (www.insightbooks.com). When I worked at a wonderful care facility that has locations across the country (plugging them if I may - www.lcca.com), we frequently gave this book to prospective and new clients who were struggling with the decision of how best to care for aging familiy members. Main point: "Love is doing what people need - not what they want." I had a copy to give to my MIL who was trying to get her 80-year-old mother to enter an assisted living facility, but unfortunately Grandma wouldn't stop driving and was killed in a one-car wreck in April.  Sometimes life makes decisions for us.
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User: Mischka
Member since: 09-01-2004 Total posts: 63 |
From: paroper
Date: 10-17-2004, 11:37 PM (11 of 33)
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When my grandmother became senile, the doctors told us that if her body was as bad as her mind, she'd only live a few weeks, but her body was healthy and she could live a long time. I always thought that was a terrible way to live out a life after being a strong willful person all of her life. When my mother became sick with Parkinsons' it was her body that went downhill for several years (toward the end, the mind also goes.) I almost think that was worse because my very intellegent, dignified mother knew what was happening to her and could do nothing to stop it. I guess the bottom line is that growing old is not for sissys. It is so very hard on the elderly person and it is terrible on the families. The biggest problem I have noticed through the years is getting everyone to understand how bad their loved one is and making them make decisions about what sacrifices (and they are BIG sacrifices) they will have to be willing to make to take care of their loved one. I think that my mother's famiy had the best idea that worked out the fairest of anyone I've seen. The four girls each took their parents (mom and dad together) into their homes for three months out of the year. It helped the kids understand the extent of the parents' needs, helped with the burn-out that comes from taking care of the elderly in the family, and it gave the grand parents a chance to share in their kids' lives. Unfortunately, when my mother really needed the extra help, my sister suddenly died and left me alone to care for Mom. However, as a family member, she was a wonderful addition to our household. There were many stressful times though. It is a big decision. pam
Bernina 200e, Artista V5 Designer Plus, Explorations, Magic Box, Bernina 2000DE & 335 Bernette Serger, Bernina 1530 Sewing Machine, Bernina 1300 DC Overlock (with coverstitch) |
User: paroper
Member since: 02-03-2004 Total posts: 3775 |
From: beachgirl
Date: 10-17-2004, 11:43 PM (12 of 33)
| My heart goes out to you. This is a tough & sticky situation. I know as been there- done that. I have 3 brothers & only 1 that lived close to Mom & Dad. He had several businesses at the time but he did all he could. I flew back & forth a number of times plus my DH & I would drive the 1200 miles anytime my brother needed help. We'd have to take off work & lose money to do it. Through most of it we still had 4 teenagers at home. We offered to move back but brother said that was asking too much. Other 2 boys were'nt much help but couldn't accept that Mom was so bad. I wanted to bring them home with me but my brother said no as I couldn't hold up doing it all & I had children at home & a job. It took me 3 months to get over not being able to bring them here. I did get them Meals on Wheels & a bonded women to go do for them. When I got home there was a message on my machine to call both places as Dad had dismissed them. Nothing I could do about that. I nearly went out of my mind with worry. My Mom overdosed but not on purpose & was in the hospital. We sailed back up there & I had to put her in a nurseing home & that nearly did me in. My Mom had Alzheimers for 10 years. My Dad was a big worry also as we couldn't get him to see a Dr. He fell one day & was taken to the hospital where they discovered he had bone cancer & had lost 3 ribs & part of one shoulder.He never made it back home but had to go to the same nurseing home & passed away soon after. Mom passed away less than 3 years later. I learned everything I could about Alzheimers, even took care of some people here with it so that's why it hurt so bad I couldn't care for Mom here. If I'd had stock in the phone Co. I'd be rich now. I called about Mom & Dad all the time, Talked to their Drs. & care givers as at that time they didn't know as much up there as we did here. They gave wrong meds & etc. Talk about me going crazy. I came close to a nervous breakdown. I still miss my parents so bad & wish I could have done more for them. I was always there though & got a lot done for them even when I was here at home.I don't feel guilty, just sad. My Mom would love the sewing machines we have now. She was a wonderful quilter, all hand quilted. Was a seamtress before that. Everytime I get stuck on something I look up & say " Mom, if I'm going to finish this your going to have to tell me how to do it. " No, I don't hear her answer but It does finally come to me. I think I just settle down some & can think straight to do it. Any way, hang in there & get as much help from the family as you can. You can't do it all alone. |
User: beachgirl
Member since: 08-31-2004 Total posts: 615 
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From: gh380
Date: 10-18-2004, 08:09 PM (13 of 33)
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I can understand, although my situation is somewhat different. My mother and step father are in an assisted living home, a very good one, but I am 425 miles away with no siblings. I spend about a week every month there doing all the business and doc appointments. It would be somewhat easier if they would sell the house and cars, but they won't. I have a house in their town so that I will have a place to stay every month. I don't think there is any easy way to get old.
gh380
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User: gh380
Member since: 02-06-2002 Total posts: 2 |
From: beachgirl
Date: 10-18-2004, 10:55 PM (14 of 33)
| I don't think there is an easy way whether you'd live next door, in the same town or miles away. Just the thought of your parents not being able to care for themselves is horrible. I made appts, talked to caregivers, drs & etc. You do everything that you can but never feel it's enough. You think of how good they took care of you & how smart they were & it kills you to see them suffer & go downhill. Your so helpless. I really wasn't sure whether I lived in Fl. or Mo. for years. Guess I was in each place as much as the other. At least I could stay in their home while I was there. Sure wasn't the same with them not there though. Theresa |
User: beachgirl
Member since: 08-31-2004 Total posts: 615
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From: Sammi1961
Date: 10-19-2004, 03:09 PM (15 of 33)
| After watching my mom go through this with her mother in law, here is my advice: First talk to your husband and tell him you cannot be expected to do it all alone, that your own family, children, and life are important too. Secondly say that a family meeting needs to be call of all who are involved to make some decisions about who will be responsible for what care and when. Perhaps a rotating schedule would work so that the burden does not just fall on one person. Other ideas? Would hiring a cleaning person to come in a couple times a week work? Also, most states have agencies that will help the elderly get in touch with services including having a visiting aide come to help out with things like bathing. Or if full time care is needed, they can offer respite care to the caretaker so they get a break. Usually these services are either covered by medicare or are based on income and ability to pay. Contact your states agency that deals with the elderly because I am sure there are plenty more services out there that I am not even aware of. But you certainly should not have to bear this burden alone. If there are other able bodied family members who live close enough by to pitch in, then they should all be doing it!!! Do not let them take advantage of you. You will end up suffering from burn out and that is not fun. I speak from experience. |
User: Sammi1961
Member since: 10-19-2004 Total posts: 1 |
From: paroper
Date: 10-19-2004, 03:23 PM (16 of 33)
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We lived with Mom for 7 years. I can tell you that there are a lot more things that come into play than just taking care of an ill parent. They have personalities that have not been in your household for years. We had three kids that were less than 12 years of age. We had to deal with the kids irritating her. We had to deal with having two women in the house who liked things THEIR way and believe me, even when she is bedfast that is a really big problem. I'm not even sure that two men living in the household is as bad as two women because women consider the house their domain. We also had problems because she wanted to correct my kids, and I agree that she needed that authority or the kids would "run over" her, but she often used methods that I would not approve or she would correct them for small infractions that I would have let slide. It is also very upsetting to see someone go "downhill" in front of you. One of my aunts used a live-in that worked out very well. She had one that robbed her blind taking tens of thousands of dollars in cash, but the second one was very loyal and they enjoyed each other a lot. (If you take this route, you MUST take valuables out of the house.) She drove her to the doctors' office and took her out to eat. It worked well for a number of years. She got some time off, salary, room and board. She was not a nurse but a paid companion. I had nurses' aides which we paid who came into the house. I enjoyed the time off, the chance to do errands, buy groceries and take care of things at school, but it was not an easy adjustment because they snooped, wasted a lot of things and many of them treated me like I didn't live here and I was an inconvience to them. I had one tell me one time that I had no authority because she was paid by welfare. I let her know real quick that I was paying for her time here out of my checking and she needed to understand that not many people had assistance with that kind of care. pam
Bernina 200e, Artista V5 Designer Plus, Explorations, Magic Box, Bernina 2000DE & 335 Bernette Serger, Bernina 1530 Sewing Machine, Bernina 1300 DC Overlock (with coverstitch) |
User: paroper
Member since: 02-03-2004 Total posts: 3775 |
From: Bama
Date: 10-21-2004, 12:06 AM (17 of 33)
Thanks for all the replies. Things are going a little better for now. My MIL told me she thought she was dying last weekend, but changed her mind and decided to stay around for spite.  At least she has a sense of humor about it. She's been able to get up the past couple of days and bathe and dress herself. It's strange how some days are good and some are so bad.We still worry she's going to fall. So is my FIL. He's staying inside with her all the time but it's driving her crazy. He used to go outside alot. She talks to me about it when we're in another room and he can't hear. I told her she come stay with us for a while if she wants to, but she won't. He would be lost. I'm trying not to let my FIL hurt my feelings so much now. I know he doesn't mean everything he says. It might help if my SIL didn't tell me everything he says to her. I don't mind doing what I can because my husband works so much. He does everything they need done outside the house. I'm just worried that MIL will get so bad she needs someone there all day. One of hubby's brothers is coming to visit next month, so we'll have alot of things we need to talk about. |
User: Bama
Member since: 03-21-2000 Total posts: 2116
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From: paroper
Date: 10-21-2004, 01:23 AM (18 of 33)
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If your MIL and FIL are able to sit during part of the day, you might look into a Sr. Citizens' Center. Even the smallest towns around here have them and they are a real blessing. Many have buses that pick up the srs. and take them each morning. Sometimes they are able to drive themselves. They do needlework, puzzles, talk, play cards and dominos. Many of the centers have a day of the week that they take the members out to a mall or Wal Mart. At noon they have a meal for a min. fee (I think about a dollar). It is a wonderful place to socialize and get out.
pam
Bernina 200e, Artista V5 Designer Plus, Explorations, Magic Box, Bernina 2000DE & 335 Bernette Serger, Bernina 1530 Sewing Machine, Bernina 1300 DC Overlock (with coverstitch) |
User: paroper
Member since: 02-03-2004 Total posts: 3775 |
From: Bama
Date: 10-24-2004, 07:25 PM (19 of 33)
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We have a senior citizens club here, but no way would they go. My FIL hasn't been more than 5 miles from home in about 10 years. My MIL would probably enjoy it if she gave it a chance. She's doing so well now she's been taking care of herself this week. She spends most of the day on the sofa, but she's been getting dressed everyday. I've just gone over to take some food, sweep & mop, do some laundry, and change sheets. |
User: Bama
Member since: 03-21-2000 Total posts: 2116
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From: MyGirlFriday
Date: 12-11-2004, 10:12 PM (20 of 33)
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I lost my Mother to breast cancer in April of 2000. After that I basically started assisting my Dad....now he still works part time, does his own laundry, cooking and stuff. As far I'm concerned I think he is doing great, especially since my Mom died. I am in my Mid-30's and have an older sister that live 150 miles away. She only comes home when she needs something. When she comes all she does is gripe about Dad's house and stuff. She says his house is a mess and dirty. Well first off if it were as bad as she says I would go clean it myself...but as long as Dad is putting forth effort and he is happy he should be able to do it himself. MHO She thinks I should go over and clean his house and stuff when she is coming to visit! She must be out of her mind. That is her Dad too and she should be willing to help him if she feels it is that bad ( believe me it isn't) Dad goes in for surgery next week and yes my sister will be here to help out. She is bringing her whole family for the event! New hubby and 3 kids! Dad is totally upset that she is bringing all these people to be staying at his home when he isn't there. (We have had problems with them going thru Dad's stuff and it coming up missing  )I'm stuck!! I need the help but now Dad is upset about all the EXTRA company!! It is hard being the child who now has to assist with taking care of their parent. mgf~ 
Blessings & Smiles
Frogs have it easy....they just eat what's buggin' them. |
User: MyGirlFriday
Member since: 12-05-2004 Total posts: 288 
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From: paroper
Date: 12-11-2004, 10:42 PM (21 of 33)
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My girl.... I can certainly understand your problem. When my dad died, my sister and her husband "the doctor" came to mom's house over and over until they had taken everything that they could carry off that belonged to Dad. About the only thing they ever owned of value was Dad's tools. He had a very well equiped shop and did a lot of gardening. They didn't stop until they had the lawn mowers (no way to take the riding mower), roto tillers (2), every electric tool he owned, several chain saws and every yard tool he owned. Mother lived another 7 years after he died. We had all the locks changed and had to go out and purchase enough tools to do her yard work on a five acre plot of land. We also had to replace enough electric tools to make simple household repairs to her home. I never told mother what they had done. She pretty much figured it out when she wanted her garden tilled and they had the tillers. It took her almost two years to get them back and when they brought them they were both out of order. For everyone's peace of mind, is there a way that their family could stay in a motel? You could always use the excuse that there is just no way to clean the house before they get there. Your dad will not be able to entertain when he comes home anyway and I'm sure that he is not use to the noise and confusion. It would be very nice if your sister would come by herself and stay with you. Then, maybe you could tell her to bring the family back when your dad was better and could enjoy her family. If they have keys to the house, you might want to change the locks. We installed a touch pad on the garage entrance to my mom's house and then gave the combo to a very close friend of hers and her favorite neice in case she needed them. It came in quite handy over the years. We would give the combo to her nurses and when they left, we changed the combo. pam
Bernina 200e, Artista V5 Designer Plus, Explorations, Magic Box, Bernina 2000DE & 335 Bernette Serger, Bernina 1530 Sewing Machine, Bernina 1300 DC Overlock (with coverstitch) |
User: paroper
Member since: 02-03-2004 Total posts: 3775 |
From: Mother in Law
Date: 12-12-2004, 01:40 AM (22 of 33)
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Bama, I know what you're going through with your MIL. My poor Mother had RA and it was a living hell for her. One day she'd feel fine the next she was suffering so bad all she wanted to do was moan and rub her arms and body. The arthritis finally got to her lungs and distroyed them and she died of Respitory failure from the Arthritis. It's a horrible sickness. One thing helped her was this, she was in so much pain she'd get depressed and start crying because she couldn't do for herself and no one could do it like she could, so the doctor put her on Zoloft. It was the most wonderful thing she could have done. She was able to handle the pain much better and she didn't care if the house was a mess, which it never really was but she didn't care if it was. We also had a home health care nurse come in everyday to bath her and take her vitals and they sent a therapist in twice a week to exercise her. We told her the exercise was to get her back on her feet, it worked. I hope you can hang in there, it's your husbands siblings problem but if you're close to them like I was to my inlaws, they are just like your Mother and Father and that's why you think you should carry some of the load. Let people help you it's hard doing it all by yourself. I know I did it for a lot of years. As far as the scrapers!!!! I had some in my step family also. They came in swooped up what they could in my Mother's home and left the trash for me to clean up. Where were they when my Mother and step Dad was sick. Doing their own thing surely not seeing about them. There is one in every family. I just happened to get three of them in mine. ROFL. But it's true. |
User: Mother in Law
Member since: Total posts: |
From: MyGirlFriday
Date: 12-12-2004, 05:42 AM (23 of 33)
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Pam~ It is so sad that family is like that. I know if my sister asked my Dad for something he would give it to her. She just don't know how to ask. Them staying in a motel is out of the question. The recently got married and money is pretty tight. I don't have room at my house for 6 more people or they could stay here. I have talked to Dad about changing the locks but he don't want to hurt my sister feelings. I know that if anything ever happen to him she would have the whole place packed up and in a uhaul before Dad was in the ground. My Dad jokes with me about have an attorney on retainer just incase something happens that the attorney can take care of things like changing the locks and freezing his assets. That just scares me. I am just hoping that there will be a change in her plans and her family don't get to come with her. I know that might be a little mean but this isn't a vacation or a joy trip...if you know what I mean. Anyway thanks for listening to me. I just wanted ya'll to know that you don't have to be middle-aged to have these types of issues....I suppose you just have to play the cards life deals you! Blessings & Smiles~ mgf~
Blessings & Smiles
Frogs have it easy....they just eat what's buggin' them. |
User: MyGirlFriday
Member since: 12-05-2004 Total posts: 288
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From: Sewing Oodles
Date: 12-12-2004, 08:21 AM (24 of 33)
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Bama, We recently went through this with Dad. In July, Dad was diagnoised with brain cancer. Went Dad got to where he needed to be in bed all the time. He didn't want a nurse or a hospital bed. Mom was not able to care for Dad, I have to work and we just went ahead a did what we had to do. Dad was so mad at first he wouldn't talk to anyone. Of course, I was work when the bed was delivered but I was there when the nurse came for the inital visit. After the bed was delivered I just sat down and explained to Dad that he was no longer able to sit up all day and we didn't want him in the bedroom by himself. (We put the bed in the living room where Dad could watch TV and look out the windows.) When the nurse came it worked out great as she was a gal I ran around with in high school. Dad accepted the nurse and the hospital bed I think because I explained to him that Mom just couldn't do everything by herself and I had to work. Home health and hospice was most definitely a God send for us. The weekend that Dad died there was a hospice nurse with us the whole weekend. Bama, do what is needed, do what you can, and most definitely get some rest. Hugz,
Cindy~Texas |
User: Sewing Oodles
Member since: 07-29-2002 Total posts: 69 
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From: paroper
Date: 12-12-2004, 09:36 AM (25 of 33)
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I know what it is like to go it alone and I know what it is like to watch your parent go downhill. One year after Dad died, I noticed that Mom was not cooking for herself, so I started taking in hot meals (she only lived two miles away). Then she took a very bad fall and was outside in the cold and rain for several hours before she managed to get into the house and call. It was terrible and she had hypothermia. She wouldn't let me take her to the doctor so we treated her at home. After that I noticed that she wasn't geting her mail because she was afraid to go outside, so I started picking up her mail and paper when I delivered her meal. Then came the inside falls....and broken hip and we moved in. Three years after that she had to have surgery for horrible leg and back pain...and suddenly started going down hill. We almost lost her, but instead, my sister suddenly died of an aeortic anurism while leaving CCU from visiting Mom. So, the last three years my family of five and I took care of Mom by ourselves. We had some really good times and some stressful times. When decisions had to be made, I really missed my sister. At least, we were on the same page with Mom's treatment when my sister died, and I pretty much maintained that course of action throughout the rest of Mom's life. Of all the changes at the end of Mom's life, for some reason, going to a hospital bed was the hardest. She was falling out of bed and I was afraid that she would injure herself again so I needed the rails. Also, we were having to do more and more with her in the bed and the added height was so helpful. The number one best idea I ever came up with? I added a cordless door bell to everything, her favorite chair, her wheel chair, panic button at a height that could be reached from every angle in the bathroom, on her bed rail...everywhere I could think of that she would be able to reach. THAT worked out very well. I tried a walkie talkie but she couldn't work it. The second best, I found an oblong card table that fit over her lift chair and she could pull up to in her wheel chair. It was wonderful...gave her a place to read and play cards and eat (when she could no longer come to the table). The third? I added a wall chart holder like they use in doctor's offices. In that folder were color copies of her SS card, Medicare Card, Blue Cross, a list of current meds with doses and times and ALLERGIES, a list of emergency phone numbers...including family and all doctors, a copy of her living will and a copy of her power of attorney, and a brief medical history. When I took her to the hospitals or a new doctor or in case of emergency, it was always at hand and I just took the pack with me and had them run copies...saved TONS of valuable time and frusteration. It was also available to the nurses if they had an emergency. In a second slot, the aides kept their paperwork. pam
Bernina 200e, Artista V5 Designer Plus, Explorations, Magic Box, Bernina 2000DE & 335 Bernette Serger, Bernina 1530 Sewing Machine, Bernina 1300 DC Overlock (with coverstitch) |
User: paroper
Member since: 02-03-2004 Total posts: 3775 |
From: Bama
Date: 12-12-2004, 03:18 PM (26 of 33)
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mgf, I can relate. We had hubby's brother and family visit for Thanksgiving. They usually stay with my MIL but stayed here this time. She was so stressed out when they said they were coming home, until we told her they could stay here. we told them she just couldn't handle it like she used to. Even though they wouldn't expect her to do anything for them, she can't stand company for very long. My MIL has been doing much better. There's good days and bad days. My FIL is still driving her crazy sitting in the house with her all the time. He used to be outdoors most of the time.  I went over one day and he had been doing the laundry. He carried it to my MIL on the couch and had her fold it. At least he's trying. 
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User: Bama
Member since: 03-21-2000 Total posts: 2116
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From: paroper
Date: 12-12-2004, 05:48 PM (27 of 33)
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Long-term visitors take so much out of them and it takes them so much longer to recover from a visit. I would notice how tired and stressed my mom was for days before and after company. I also know that it was very important to my mom to be able to fold clothes or do some small household chores. It made her feel needed so I would let her and it WAS a big help! pam
Bernina 200e, Artista V5 Designer Plus, Explorations, Magic Box, Bernina 2000DE & 335 Bernette Serger, Bernina 1530 Sewing Machine, Bernina 1300 DC Overlock (with coverstitch) |
User: paroper
Member since: 02-03-2004 Total posts: 3775 |
From: Hogmami
Date: 12-12-2004, 06:14 PM (28 of 33)
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When my mom had knee surgery last month and I had to be there daily. I found little things for her to do and she was much happier. I took all my patterns over and let her organize them for me. She made little library cards on them so I can record different things I did to them. (She is a retired librarian). Than I took all my buttons over. She organized them by size and color. It sure helped me out and kept her from crying about how useless she was.
Carolyn
Michigan |
User: Hogmami
Member since: 09-30-2004 Total posts: 800
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From: MyGirlFriday
Date: 12-12-2004, 06:59 PM (29 of 33)
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You are very lucky to have a Mom who helped you get organized!! While Dad is recoverying from his surgery he will be more than happy to keep me updated on the daily happenings of "Price is Right", and other shows that he watches on a daily basis.  My 2 daughters are also going to go over and help him out....fix lunch, tidy and such. Mainly just keep him company! mgf~
Blessings & Smiles
Frogs have it easy....they just eat what's buggin' them. |
User: MyGirlFriday
Member since: 12-05-2004 Total posts: 288
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From: paroper
Date: 12-12-2004, 07:01 PM (30 of 33)
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My mom was an English teacher for 49 years. (That is, after she graduated from one room schools). She had a whole group of people who would call and have her help them with the hard parts of the daily paper crossword and cryptogram. She cherished those calls!
pam
Bernina 200e, Artista V5 Designer Plus, Explorations, Magic Box, Bernina 2000DE & 335 Bernette Serger, Bernina 1530 Sewing Machine, Bernina 1300 DC Overlock (with coverstitch) |
User: paroper
Member since: 02-03-2004 Total posts: 3775 |
From: Mom of Six
Date: 12-12-2004, 10:22 PM (31 of 33)
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All I can say is enjoy the time you have with your Dad. I took care of my Dad in & out of the hospital last yr. from june through the end of Nov.2003 when he passed away. I have 7 siblings who helped some but the brunt of it fell to me because I was the only one not working & if anyone else tried he would call me to see if they did it right. When we were dividing his stuff I got some things that were important to me only because I watched how important they were to Dad. But nothing can replace my memories of the time I spent with him. As a family we also became closer during this time. It has been a hard 2 weeks for mee trying to get ready for Christmas without him. Barb Barb
Happiness is having time to sew!! |
User: Mom of Six
Member since: 11-03-2001 Total posts: 1115 
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From: MyGirlFriday
Date: 12-18-2004, 09:05 PM (32 of 33)
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Barb~ Believe me I do cherish the time I have with him. Yes there are times that I get upset because he want to be "babied" and I'm not good at that. I think he should be doing what he can for as long as he can. I am the one the one that takes care of lots of his business issues and health insurance stuff. My sister only comes around for the fun times and when she needs something. As for this time of the year...Christmas has been a difficult time. This is the first year that I have actually put up a Christmas tree. With Dad having this surgery it takes so of the stress of "the time of year" away and I am more focused on him. I hope that you have a nice holiday season. Remember the reason and that will help~ mgf~
Blessings & Smiles
Frogs have it easy....they just eat what's buggin' them. |
User: MyGirlFriday
Member since: 12-05-2004 Total posts: 288
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From: Mom of Six
Date: 12-18-2004, 11:09 PM (33 of 33)
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i made it through our family Christmas party. We decided that since it would be hard to keep it on Christmas day like we always have with Mom & Dad. We celebrated early on Dec. 11th. It felt really strange but now we can all spend Christmas at home with our children & grandchildren. This is the first yr since my DS got married 11 yrs. ago that she will be home. Her 7YO is excited that Santa doesn't have to wait until New Years to deliver presents this year. I am sure we will all be on the phone Christmas day. The only real problem is I have the whole meal to cook instead of 1 or 2 dishes. MGF I will be thinking of you & hope all goes well with your Dad. Barb
Happiness is having time to sew!! |
User: Mom of Six
Member since: 11-03-2001 Total posts: 1115
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