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The Sew What’s New Archive
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From: Emmy
Date: 02-23-2005, 01:37 PM (1 of 17)
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We just found out this week that our daughter is having some major money problems, again! She is going to move back in, to save money and pay off her bills. She is also planning to take a course that will cost thousands, which we don't think is good timing. I'm going nuts with stress. We just don't get along. I want to help her, but I'm afraid this is going to end up being a mistake. She didn't respect our house rules as a teen, and we had to give her an ultimatum, to shape up or ship out. She chose to leave. I just don't know if we can live together in harmony or not, and harmony is very important to us, at this stage in our lives. We just can't take much stress. On top of everything, instead of a couple of weeks to get ready, we found out she's moving back in tonight! We have to make room and are NOT ready! Has anyone else here had their boomerang kids move back in? How did it work out? What rules did you set and what type of chores did they do to contribute? Do they pay rent or not? Are they mooching? Any feedback, anyone? Emmy    
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User: Emmy
Member since: 09-01-2001 Total posts: 127 
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From: Pudge99
Date: 02-23-2005, 03:33 PM (2 of 17)
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I thought I would jump in here as the sister of some boomerangs. This is a very stressful thing to have happen for everyone. Especially if she has little ones. My parents tried to make them share the bills but weren't very strict with it. It turned out that most of the time my parents were paying for everything. If she has income then she should pay the difference in your bills. For example you know your electric bill is always around $$$, any large increase in that would be what she is using so she should pay for it. I think because you don't get along with your daughter very well you need to set ground rules like how long she will be staying, what hours you expect her to keep, laundry issues (this was a big one for my brothers they figured it was mom's responsibilty), who buys her food, long distance phone calls (One of the boomerangs hit me when he couldn't get in with Mom and Dad It took me forever to pay off his 900# phone calls). I think if you have a big enough place you should designate an area that is just for her, where she can live how she is comfortable, and then the rest of the house she must follow your rules. Even setting aside a room that is only for you where she is not allowed to be is a good idea. It gives you some place to get away from each other when things get tense. She needs to learn money management or she will be on your doorstep again. I would make this a requirement of her staying with you. Take this opportunity to try to teach her the things she didn't learn while she was being a rebelious teenager. She is an adult now and may be a tad more receptive to your ideas  .The most important thing to do is sit down with her and talk about what she expects to gain by staying with you and what you expect her to do while she stays there. This could be a time to build a new and wonderful relationship with your daughter. This of course is just my opinion, you can do with it what you wish. I reserve the right to change my opinion when my children grow up and I find myself in your situation. 
Gina
Pictures of my successes and failures Pfaff 2040 Janome Mylock 134D Singer Futura CE-100 w/ Autopunch Husqvarna Viking 3D Sketch |
User: Pudge99
Member since: 10-30-2001 Total posts: 1375 |
From: Emmy
Date: 02-23-2005, 03:57 PM (3 of 17)
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[QUOTE=Pudge99]Especially if she has little ones. If she has income then she should pay the difference in your bills. I think if you have a big enough place you should designate an area that is just for her, where she can live how she is comfortable, and then the rest of the house she must follow your rules. Even setting aside a room that is only for you where she is not allowed to be is a good idea. It gives you some place to get away from each other when things get tense. She needs to learn money management or she will be on your doorstep again. I would make this a requirement of her staying with you. ...The most important thing to do is sit down with her and talk about what she expects to gain by staying with you and what you expect her to do while she stays there. [QUOTE] There are no kids involved, but she has pets I'm allergic to. I'm going to tell her to work out a budget with my husband, to pay her debts, wish me luck! If I had the space and money I'd build a bachlorette for her, but I can't do that. We'll be crammed, but we'll just have to find a way to get along. Emmy |
User: Emmy
Member since: 09-01-2001 Total posts: 127
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From: Chrysantha
Date: 02-23-2005, 03:59 PM (4 of 17)
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My little brother was a boomarang child....(mostly because he was mamas boy..) He ran up Ma's credit cards, stole her car, and ultimately killed her (he had a fight with her, gave her a heart attack and left her to die, by herself). He left the dog to starve.....He did nothing but cause trouble..... (I myself do not have children....but.....) I think that once children are out of the house. adults and living on their own, they should stay that way. Their problems with money, relationships, etc, are of their own making. YOU shouldn't be responsible for them anymore. You might have given them life, you gave them a basis to live that life, you don't owe them YOURS. (just an opinion.....) 
Chrys
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User: Chrysantha
Member since: 09-06-2002 Total posts: 2414 
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From: Emmy
Date: 02-23-2005, 04:21 PM (5 of 17)
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My little brother was a boomarang child....(mostly because he was mamas boy..) ...Their problems with money, relationships, etc, are of their own making. YOU shouldn't be responsible for them anymore. You might have given them life, you gave them a basis to live that life, you don't owe them YOURS. (just an opinion.....) I agree that its her mess, but she is still young, and we feel that we should help her when we are able to, provided that she starts to act responsibly and sticks to a budget this time. She has to learn to live within her means. Emmy |
User: Emmy
Member since: 09-01-2001 Total posts: 127
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From: dmoses
Date: 02-23-2005, 04:32 PM (6 of 17)
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Emmy, About your computer...you can 'password protect' it. That way, only those who have the password can use it. You just have to remember to log out when you're not using it, so that the password is required, should anyone else try to use it. Take care,
Donna |
User: dmoses
Member since: 02-22-2002 Total posts: 964 
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From: DorothyL
Date: 02-23-2005, 05:09 PM (7 of 17)
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Here I am on the other side of the issue again. My oldest had to move back in after she had been out for a couple years. It was great. When she left she was an irresponsible kid. And she was a total slob. When she came back she did her very best to be helpful around the house and pay her way. She was embarrassed and felt like she had failed. I was sorry to see her go when she left again. Dorothy |
User: DorothyL
Member since: 12-09-2002 Total posts: 3883 |
From: Emmy
Date: 02-23-2005, 11:30 PM (8 of 17)
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I hope things will work out the way they did for you Dorothy. I would love for this to be a positive experience for all of us. Well, I'd better get going here, lots to do, and I've got to figure out where we're going to put all her furniture, boxes, etc etc. This house is too small! Emmy |
User: Emmy
Member since: 09-01-2001 Total posts: 127
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From: Emmy
Date: 02-23-2005, 11:37 PM (9 of 17)
Bye the way, I was feeling so stressed out today, but I'm feeling much better now. We had a chance to talk things over, and being able to voice my concerns here too, helped a lot. I'll probably be tense again tomorrow, but at least I'm not ready to punch something, or pull my hair out right now!   LOL! Emmy |
User: Emmy
Member since: 09-01-2001 Total posts: 127
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From: MaryW
Date: 02-24-2005, 07:39 AM (10 of 17)
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Emmy, I have sympathy for you. I have been there and done that more times than I care to remember. My kids were usually quite fine when they came back because they realized they had caused the situation. Kids will sometimes move out and come back a few times before they get it right. MaryW
owner/editor of Sew Whats New |
User: MaryW
Member since: 06-23-2005 Total posts: 2542 
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From: DorothyL
Date: 02-24-2005, 07:44 AM (11 of 17)
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I was in and out a few times myself when I was a kid too. Dorothy |
User: DorothyL
Member since: 12-09-2002 Total posts: 3883 |
From: MaryW
Date: 02-24-2005, 08:09 AM (12 of 17)
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I never did return, life is funny sometimes. I was only 17 but a much different 17 from the girls today. Don't get me wrong, I am not knocking today's kids, just looking back. Today's kids have enormous pressures on them that I never had. However, it was made clear to me very early that I was to earn my keep or else! MaryW
owner/editor of Sew Whats New |
User: MaryW
Member since: 06-23-2005 Total posts: 2542
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From: pucktricks
Date: 02-25-2005, 02:47 PM (13 of 17)
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I was a boomerang kid myself (for one year after college, prearranged beforehand). We set up that I could stay for one year max, and that I was to pay for part of the electric bill and my cell phone. I also had to have a written budget for paying off my college loans. A suggestion of a good book for your daughter to get is the "Total Money Makeover" by Dave Ramsey. He explains a program of how to get out of debt as quickly as possible, there are all sorts of worksheets and stuff to help her get through it. My husband and I did his program, and now the only debt we have is our mortgage, so I can say it works, and you don't have to buy anything, just the book. If you don't want to buy the book look for his radio program on the radio. But, definetely, have her come up with a budget and a plan for how she is going to get out of debt because otherwise she won't do it, and you'll always have a visitor...... Ticia |
User: pucktricks
Member since: 03-31-2004 Total posts: 570 
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From: siwian
Date: 02-26-2005, 06:18 AM (14 of 17)
| My sister and I were not boomarang kids but rather part of the paddleball. My mother wanted us back and was always encouraging us to move back in. I moved into their house for 1 year to get my Master's degree. I had been teaching for 2 years and had to get away from an over amorous principal. I hated it. Couldn't wait to get back out on my own. It wasn't having to live by her rules but having her sMOTHER me. My sister and her family have been in and out of my parents' house/property for years. My mom was very happy to get to "take care of them". |
User: siwian
Member since: 12-27-2001 Total posts: 114 
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From: DragonLady
Date: 02-26-2005, 09:52 AM (15 of 17)
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I've never had a "home" to return to. I grew up in foster care and when I turned 18 they gave me $15.00 in cash and a free ride to Phoenix. They dropped me off in front of YWCA and that was the end of it. I've always told my children that wherever I live is home to them, too. This invitation does not extend to their spouses or partners, but if they need to return home at any time they can. If one of my children has to flee from some abusive @##*&%! s/he has a place to run too -with children in tow. The same with massive debts, serious injuries, illnesses or just needing to sort things out. Emma, my suggestion is to pack her a single bag of the most basic living neccesities. It should have two changes of clothes, a toothbrush & hairbrush, a roll of toilet paper, a battery-powered alarm clock.... Stuff to live on for a weekend, but no food or money. The first time she gives you any lip -anything- pack her and her little kit bag off to the homeless shelter. One weekend in one of those cursed places should be more than enough to convince her that a home is an awesome thing to have! "No more twist! No more twist!"
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User: DragonLady
Member since: 11-10-2004 Total posts: 152 
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From: DorothyL
Date: 02-26-2005, 11:47 AM (16 of 17)
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I'm kind of like DragonLady. If my kids need a place to stay, my home is their home. It's a bit extended though. If my youngest daughter's boyfriend needed a place -- with or without her -- he knows he is welcome. I've always been a sucker for strays and over the years have taken several kids that needed a home for one reason or another. Even now we have a young man, 13-years-old, that knows he is always welcome if things get rough at home. The kid has had some tought times but lately it's bee good for him so he calls every month or so just to visit or go to a movie. When he would stay with us over the weekend -- nearly every weekend -- my daughter said "You mean he just comes over to hang out with the old people." Yeah, he does. I don't ask a lot of questions but he's welcome. There were people that helped me out when I needed it and I want to pass it on. Dorothy |
User: DorothyL
Member since: 12-09-2002 Total posts: 3883 |
From: Emmy
Date: 02-28-2005, 06:07 PM (17 of 17)
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get the "Total Money Makeover" by Dave Ramsey. He explains a program of how to get out of debt as quickly as possible, there are all sorts of worksheets and stuff to help her get through it. ...But, definetely, have her come up with a budget and a plan for how she is going to get out of debt because otherwise she won't do it, and you'll always have a visitor...... Ticia I found the workbook at Amazon.com . I'll look into getting it locally first, at the library. Thanks Emmy |
User: Emmy
Member since: 09-01-2001 Total posts: 127
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