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This archived content is from Mary Wilkins’ sewing and quilting message board “Sew What’s New,” which was retired in August 2007. It is being provided by “Sew What’s Up,” which serves as the new home for many members of “Sew What’s New.”
From: carman
Date: 09-08-2005, 12:25 AM (1 of 20)
with all the horrible things that have been happening in the south, i almost feel guilty for thinking what happened to me this week is even worth mentioning, but seeing deaths on t.v and then what happened this week, well...

i was driving my car and as i went through an intersection i was looking in my rear view mirror and saw a motor bike and car collide, even before the debri stopped i was on 911, i was this whole time looking back at it and about 25-30 feet away, so i ran to the biker and at that point there was a nurse there, and she and i sorta went into automatic mode, i had his head (helmet) and was trying to get him to talk to me, but the only thing he said was "i can't breath" like it was his last, i kept yelling at him to hold on ect and then the nurse sorta head pointed at his leg, a compound fracture as well as a piece of his bike was sticking in his chest. the paramedics were there in probably 3 minutes and they took over, but i will never forget those eyes looking at me and that raspy voice and not able to do a thing. they had him on a back board and had an airway in and were doing cpr on him, i looked at the nurse with the look of "is he going to make it?" and she shook her head, and sure enough a few hours later i heard that he didn't make it to the hospital. this kid was only 21 and the man that hit him was 80. i can't help but think how two familes are totally destroyed, both ends of the age scale. the man i understand has NO family anywhere and victim sevices is trying to help him cope as his wife is on her death bed in the extended care unit, which he was going to visit at the time of the crash.

as i left the accident( i have never had to deal with a death before ) i called my husband and every crying emotion came out and there i was driving, and crying and on the phone with my husband, i am sure the other drivers thought i was a looney. i then think of the all the death in the south and think how i am impacted forever by this, having a 21 year old die pretty much in my arms and how all those thousands of people are going to feel with what they have seen.

sorry for the ramble, i think of how i feel and it it makes me even more prayerful for all the other people who have seen so much worse, i can't get the voice and eyes out of my memory, jut what is happening to them.
User: carman
Member since: 04-17-2000
Total posts: 692
From: DragonLady
Date: 09-08-2005, 12:59 AM (2 of 20)
I understand completely. That sense of helplessness is so hard to deal with.

I've never had to cope with a human death like that, but a couple of years ago I had a similiar experience with an animal. I went to pick up a couple of cats I adopted from a woman with a huge front yard that was just teeming with animals. There were cats, dogs, ducks -critters everywhere. I put the kittens into a box, and was driving away when I heard someone scream. I turned around to see what happened, and the woman had just run over her dog.

When I got out of my car, she was screaming at me to "do something", but there was nothing I could do. The dog died in my lap while the woman was just in hysterics.

But the worst part (for me) was afterward, when she was telling me that to back out she had revved the car up, then backed up fast -someone had told her it was better for the car. And I just couldn't believe it. All those animals (AND she had very small children), and she didn't seem to ever consider they might be behind her or under her car.

I drove all the way home crying. I was sad about the dog and mad it could've just as easily been a kid, but mostly because I was so helpless. There was just nothing I could do to make anyone feel better.
"No more twist! No more twist!"
User: DragonLady
Member since: 11-10-2004
Total posts: 152
From: Sancin
Date: 09-08-2005, 01:48 AM (3 of 20)
Dear Carmen
I don't know if this will help you or not. I have dealt with death a great deal during my life and career though not a lot of traumatic deaths (a lot of babies and young people though). I think I would feel and do the same thing as you. I expect the nurse probably shed more than a few tears somewhere.

In spite of all the catastrophic tragedy that has happened this year all we can really deal with is one thing/moment at a time, which can be an overwhelming realization. Your pain and suffering are uniquely yours and no more or less than any other human in any situation.

Many hugs to you! My thoughts are with you.
*~*~*~* Nancy*~*~*~* " I try to take one day at a time - but sometimes several days attack me at once."
User: Sancin
Member since: 02-13-2005
Total posts: 895
From: DorothyL
Date: 09-08-2005, 07:40 AM (4 of 20)
All of those thousands of deaths elsewhere do not make this one less significant. The ones that hurt the most are the ones closest to us. There is nothing unimportant about this young man's passing or improper about your feelings.
User: DorothyL
Member since: 12-09-2002
Total posts: 3883
From: MaryW
Date: 09-08-2005, 08:25 AM (5 of 20)
Carman, I'm totally with you. I know exactly how you feel. So helpless. You know what is going to happen and there isn't a thing you can do to stop it.
owner/editor of Sew Whats New
User: MaryW
Member since: 06-23-2005
Total posts: 2542
From: BRG
Date: 09-08-2005, 09:07 AM (6 of 20)
Carman - how brave you are to actually drop everything and help whatever you can. Some people just turn away and call 911 and go off. You were there for the guy. You held his hand, you talked to him, you were there for him. He was not alone. That's one thing to take consolation (even tho it may not feel like it) but you did something very humane - you were there for this guy and trying to help whatever you can. Thank you for being there for the guy.

Thank you for sharing. Death is a scary and personal experience. Keep talking about it - get it off your chest.
- Brenda -
User: BRG
Member since: 01-12-2005
Total posts: 388
From: Aimee S
Date: 09-08-2005, 11:48 AM (7 of 20)
I would like to sugest that you talk to a professional. Not that I think you cant handel it but that you shouldnt have to handel it your self.

In my many years in the service I have seen people pass and the last is just as signifigant as the first. It makes an impact on you. it might be sad to say but it feels like a piece of you dies with them. It puts a tug or a sad spot that you can feel physically in your chest. Some say that is why I am so cold or un attachted when monsterous things happen

my husband had an incident like you did but it was a guy in a car accident and the guy drove into a wall on purpose. This is the first and only person my husband as seen pass. My husband talked to the guy and held his hand til there was no life in the man. the Paramedics showed up adn tried to revive him but it was no use.

my husband was short and angry with everyone untill he got to talk with a professional. It really helped. it was the first time he cryed for this un known person. It really helped. Sorry to ramble on so.
The more you disaprove, the more fun I am having!
User: Aimee S
Member since: 02-23-2003
Total posts: 488
From: Magot
Date: 09-08-2005, 02:00 PM (8 of 20)
When dealing with first aid incidents we are taught that there are three parts to dealing with an incident. Is it safe to act? ( like will I be run over as well) performing the first aid and than the third, dealing with the aftermath. Now this can be as simple as cleaning up but also part of it is dealing with your emotions.
When I had to help a baby with a choking incident in a shopping centre I went into automatic coping behaviour (praying mightily all the while - don't stop breathing, don't stop breathing) and it was quite scary when the child passed out but the ambulance men whisked him away before I realised that they were there.
Shortly after that, I had the shakes and cries and the need for my husband to give me a lot of hugs. What you are feeling is a perfectly normal reaction, strange though it is, and although you didn't know this young man, part of you is going to have to grieve him. Talk about it, it helps.
love and kisses, Jan
Cells a Speciality
DNA to order.
User: Magot
Member since: 12-22-2002
Total posts: 3626
From: Bama
Date: 09-08-2005, 05:07 PM (9 of 20)
I think that young man's family will be thankful that someone like you and that nurse were there for him and he was not alone. When our nephew died, he was alone. My SIL says that is what bothers her most.
(((hugs))) to you.
User: Bama
Member since: 03-21-2000
Total posts: 2116
From: natred2
Date: 09-08-2005, 05:31 PM (10 of 20)
Carman believe me, what you went through was a perfectly normal and natural reaction. Most people do breakdown after the fact, and those are the strong ones. I talk to people like you every day on 9-1-1, when the call comes in your adrenalin starts pumping. I am fortunate in that I work for a small department and I get closure on the 9-1-1 calls that I receive. Dispatchers in big centers never usually are able to find out the end result(I used to work in one). It is important to know what happened, to know if you were able to help or not.
I have had a couple of calls where I broke down after the fact. And I found, having witnessed a roll over accident in front of my house, my instincts are the same as they are at work. Get help on the way fast, then go out and see if you can help. And in the end, I also found I have not become desensitized, thank god, and still had tears and shakes after it was over.
Don't be so open minded your brains fall out.
User: natred2
Member since: 04-09-2005
Total posts: 81
From: carman
Date: 09-08-2005, 06:36 PM (11 of 20)
thank you all for all your kind thoughts, you are right in that i am grieving for a boy i did not know till Tuesday, i read today that his name was Colin. my chest was so tight that day i went for a looooooooooooong bike ride that evening and literally worked out some tension and "what if's" , i am hoping to find out when his funeral is and maybe make an apperance in the back row, i think i need to know that he has family and that all is ok. my mom is visiting from out of town and she has been a sounding board during the day for me and my addorable husband gets the bedtime chatter and, yes, i am definatley more needy of hugs these days and he is more tham willing to give them out :smile:

i have heard my SIL (who is an emergency and cardiac nurse) say that the good doctors and any medical people for that matter, are the ones that never loose that heaviness when someone dies, it is a feeling that will linger for a long time i think, i close my eyes and i see him looking at me and then trying to speak...

thank you for letting me write it out to you all
User: carman
Member since: 04-17-2000
Total posts: 692
From: MyGirlFriday
Date: 09-08-2005, 11:23 PM (12 of 20)

I am glad that you were there for might think that what you didn't didn't make much of a difference but believe me it did. You were in the right place at the right time......a little later and that might have been you.

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this but I'm glad that you are ok.

I will be praying for you ...

Blessings & Smiles~

Blessings & Smiles

Frogs have it easy....they just eat what's buggin' them.
User: MyGirlFriday
Member since: 12-05-2004
Total posts: 288
From: toadusew
Date: 09-09-2005, 09:42 AM (13 of 20)
I think that what you did for that young man is admirable. I don't think I would have that kind of courage. And I think that all of the feelings you are having now are normal and show that you are human--and a compassionate one at that!

When my dad was in the hospital and dying, one of the things that touched me the most was one of the respiratory therapists had tears in her eyes when she was talking to me about my dad. He did make it through the end of the day, but passed away late that night. This is nothing compared to what you have just gone through, but I guess I just wanted to let you know that compassion is always appreciated.
User: toadusew
Member since: 01-08-2005
Total posts: 369
From: LeapFrog Libby
Date: 09-09-2005, 07:21 PM (14 of 20)
You did everything possible at the time, and it is wonderful that you were there with him.. I know being alone is the worst thing possible, when you are gravely injured and someone who comes to your aid HAS to be a comfort.. He could not let you know that, but it is true, nevertheless.. Bless you, and bless your husband for being the 'right kind'. (handy with the hugs)
Sew With Love
User: LeapFrog Libby
Member since: 05-01-2002
Total posts: 2022
From: Chrysantha
Date: 09-09-2005, 09:48 PM (15 of 20)
I once sat in the middle of my street (when I was about 16 or so) holding a dog that had been hit by a car. I was yelling at my Mom and the neighbors to call someone to help....and when help came, I was told I was stupid and to get out of the road....I never knew what happened to the dog. ( I do know it couldn't move) I never knew who hit it. But I have never forgotten being told I was stupid...
It's NEVER stupid to help. Carman you did a wonderful thing...thank you for having the courage to help. If there were more wonderful people like you, there might be less misery...

[[[ ]]]

User: Chrysantha
Member since: 09-06-2002
Total posts: 2414
From: Karebear
Date: 09-10-2005, 07:52 AM (16 of 20)
dear Carman..

"If you want to build a ship, don't herd people together to collect wood and don't assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea." --Antoine de Saint-Exupery
User: Karebear
Member since: 01-24-2002
Total posts: 338
From: bridesmom
Date: 09-11-2005, 06:46 AM (17 of 20)
Carmen, I can't think of anything much worse than dying alone. The fact that you were there for that time was not a coincidence, it was a Godincidence. Bless you for jumping in with both feet. It is so sad to see something like that happen and people just stand and gawk.
Tickled pink with my Innovis 4000D
User: bridesmom
Member since: 01-21-2004
Total posts: 2026
From: Reba Hewitt
Date: 10-13-2005, 07:57 AM (18 of 20)
Carmen, For whatever reason God wanted you there!!! I believe every thing happens for a reason. We may not know the whys or what fors but if it is meant to be it wil be. As God fearing people we can rest asured that God is in controll and He will help you through all of the feelings and emotional distress you are feeling right now. I believe you were Colin's angel, sent by God to help him in passing into the afterlife. You will certainly be rewarded when you go to Heaven. This experience will make you stronger and better equiped to deal with whatever may be 'down the road'. You now will be able to help someone else with empathy and sympathy. Just remember that God sees the 'big picture' and he has a reason for you being there at that particular time. TRUST HIM He will not fail you!!!!! I am praying for you.
User: Reba Hewitt
Member since: 10-10-2005
Total posts: 14
From: Sewhappie
Date: 10-13-2005, 10:51 AM (19 of 20)
Carman, I am so glad that you where able to be there for that young boy. Please even if you don't go to the funeral home, maybe drop a note to the parents (by way of the funeral director) and let then know the he was not alone, that someone was there in his final minutes. I know as a parent of a 21 yr old boy, I would want to know that someone had been with him and he wasn't alone.
Next you need to check on the elderly gentleman and see how he is doing. I am sure that this accident along with his wife's health problems are really weighing on him. Maybe ask your Minister to check on the gentleman, you mentioned that he had no family other than his sick wife. Knowing that someone is checking on his well being just might be what he needs to make it through all of this and you.

I am so happy that you where able to touch someones life in a very personable way. You will make it too.
User: Sewhappie
Member since: 10-27-2001
Total posts: 1427
From: bren
Date: 10-13-2005, 11:56 AM (20 of 20)
Carmen you did your best ....thank God you were there to hold him for a little while ...he was not helped more than you know...and I agree with the others need to talk about it ...were here for you .
Don't let anyone ...Live Rent Free In Your Head
User: bren
Member since: 11-30-2002
Total posts: 489
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