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From: MaryW
Date: 01-23-2006, 08:50 AM (1 of 18)
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We can all take a lesson from this. I have learned these words are so true. Taken from www.success.org Control Conflict Remain calm and detached. Allow others to rage while you consider the appropriate response. Should you reason, agree, apologize, fight or leave? Which is to your benefit and to the benefit of those you must protect? Arguing often makes the other party become more defensive and determined to prevail. Let go of your anger. It only clouds the issue and draws you into a quick response. Temper anger with kindness. Kindness is a weapon against evil. Neutralize shouting with soft words. Answer threats with serene confidence. Speak plainly. Don't use foul language or sarcasm. Breathe deeply with long exhalations. Let the anger wash over you. Maintain your presence. Don't exaggerate. Don't lie. Attack the argument and not the person. Long term relationships are almost always more important than short-term problems. Be an active peacemaker, building bridges of understanding. MaryW
owner/editor of Sew Whats New |
User: MaryW
Member since: 06-23-2005 Total posts: 2542 
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From: Magot
Date: 01-23-2006, 11:54 AM (2 of 18)
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When listening to teenagers being angry I have learnt to listen to what they are saying rather than how they are saying it. Often the words they are yelling at you with venom are working twards a resolution and if you keep your cool and respond to the words calmly, the situation can be diffused and resolved quite quickly. Shouting back justs escalates things... love and kisses, Jan
Guts-R-Us Cells a Speciality DNA to order. |
User: Magot
Member since: 12-22-2002 Total posts: 3626 
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From: DorothyL
Date: 01-23-2006, 12:28 PM (3 of 18)
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Temper anger with kindness. Kindness is a weapon against evil. Neutralize shouting with soft words. Answer threats with serene confidence. Speak plainly. Don't use foul language or sarcasm. That's what my husband does. It drives me crazy!! Dorothy |
User: DorothyL
Member since: 12-09-2002 Total posts: 3883 |
From: Dede
Date: 01-23-2006, 01:06 PM (4 of 18)
| I've learned to let them scream, they get tired then I'll join the discussion. They seem to be more rational and receptive when they've had time to vent. |
User: Dede
Member since: 03-23-2001 Total posts: 469 |
From: Chrysantha
Date: 01-23-2006, 09:42 PM (5 of 18)
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If people bug me, I walk away and maybe mutter to myself. (out of others ear range I usually say some nasty things and cuss them out). When I'm too angry to talk. I find something to work it off. One day I mowed 3 front lawns. (ours and the neighbors...luckily they understand and let me do it...at least some of them do...one gets mad...altough she wont say why...it's just grass) Last week I got so mad I left home. I went to the fabric shop and talked to all the women who work there...I never said I was mad, but the owner knew by looking at me and knew it was because of my furry friends. She just let me wander around the store till I was calm and then I came back home.... My husband likes it when I get snotty with someone and make them feel small by being nasty/nice....he says I get the most interesting look on my face and he loves to watch the other people 'melt' into ignorant puddles... (as I get older...I don't do it that much any more...I usually just walk away and save my breath...I have other things to think about, besides someone else's ignorance or stupidity). Chrys
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User: Chrysantha
Member since: 09-06-2002 Total posts: 2414 
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From: MotherInLaw
Date: 01-23-2006, 09:51 PM (6 of 18)
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And if you can't do any of those things Beat the succor with a big stick!!!!!!! ROFLMAO Now that is what I'd like to do to some people but Mary your way is actually the better way and we all know that, but it sure feels good to be able to think the other way sometimes. 
I'm regressing back into my youth, I just have to figure out how I'm going to convience my body to come along with me.
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User: MotherInLaw
Member since: 06-25-2005 Total posts: 1118 
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From: mamadus
Date: 01-24-2006, 01:01 AM (7 of 18)
hehehehehe... I"m with you, suze!!!  MO life is too short, not to explore
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User: mamadus
Member since: 12-31-2004 Total posts: 492 
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From: MotherInLaw
Date: 01-24-2006, 01:21 AM (8 of 18)
Seriously, I can not keep my mouth shut especially when the kids are at stake. I have to make them see my point and why theirs is not the right way and then I'm really angry because they think I'm a nut and I go away frustrated even more than before.  So then it's time to use the big stick!!!!!!!! Persuasion is the best policy even if it resorts to using the violence If you really knew me you'd know I was full of it, I'm very tame I just like to talk big!!!!! LOL
I'm regressing back into my youth, I just have to figure out how I'm going to convience my body to come along with me.
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User: MotherInLaw
Member since: 06-25-2005 Total posts: 1118
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From: MaryW
Date: 01-24-2006, 08:22 AM (9 of 18)
I absolutely know about the other way. Many a day I have wanted to beat the crap out of my grandson (or my husband) with my bare hands. I think about it, but that is as far as it goes. Then, I return to reality. 
MaryW
owner/editor of Sew Whats New |
User: MaryW
Member since: 06-23-2005 Total posts: 2542
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From: Domestic Goddes
Date: 01-24-2006, 08:36 AM (10 of 18)
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I am known for having a temper. It happens only rarely, but one flash, a little explosion, and then it's over. Done with. Gone. Experience has taught me that this can leave complete devastation in my wake. Controlling it can be difficult, especially if it is something I feel very passionate about. I try to react in the opposite way and think gentle thoughts - and while I'm doing so, breathe deeply and mentally count to 10 (or 100). That way I can focus and deal with it. The major benefit is that DD expects me to explode and then I don't - and this completely wrong-foots her! It doesn't always work though  On the rare occassions I'm cross or angry with DD or DH I always ensure we've made up by bedtime. My late mother always said "never go to bed on an argument, saying sorry costs nothing". |
User: Domestic Goddes
Member since: 01-04-2005 Total posts: 108 |
From: beachgirl
Date: 01-24-2006, 10:40 AM (11 of 18)
| I can handle mad & get over it but stuff that hurts feelings bad is another story for me. I think talking things out helps but too many won't talk so it never gets solved. I've been told that I hold a grudge, I don't( honest ) but if that person refuses to talk about it, how does it get solved like you want ? They think your just suppose to pass it off & forget it was said. I don't mean little things I mean big hurts. |
User: beachgirl
Member since: 08-31-2004 Total posts: 615 
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From: mozeyrn
Date: 01-24-2006, 02:31 PM (12 of 18)
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Where I used to live I passed the town's batting cages on the way home. I loved to grab the bat out of my car (people wondered why I had an aluminum softball bat, even in off-season) and started swinging at that little white ball as hard as I could. I could go home thinking I bashed in the brains of the person who annoyed me and went home with a skip in my step...... Face to face confrontation doesn't always work for me - my mouth moves faster than my brain.........it's gotten me into trouble in the past. - Maureen.
Learning something new with every stitch!! Kenmore 16231000 |
User: mozeyrn
Member since: 11-29-2005 Total posts: 349 |
From: plrlegal
Date: 01-24-2006, 06:30 PM (13 of 18)
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My DH has little outbursts of temper on occasion and I've learned not to retaliate. I just look at him and go on with what I'm doing and it really gets to him. After his little temper fit is over, he is so nicey-nice it makes my teeth hurt but I have learned to keep my mouth shut (which is really, really hard) and it makes him feel so much worse because I don't jump back and get into the fray with him. As the old saying goes, "walk softly and carry a BIG STICK"!!! I've learned that the big stick in my relationship with my dh is silence. When I have decided to fight back in his mind it justifies his outburst of temper. Patsy Patsy
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User: plrlegal
Member since: 05-19-2001 Total posts: 318 |
From: Chrysantha
Date: 01-24-2006, 07:54 PM (14 of 18)
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Yeah..my husband tried that with me last week...he read the bank statement...then comes roaring in asking me why there was so much money transfered OUT of the savings acct...I just looked at him and said...well..YOU told me to transfer money from savings to checking for YOUR DENTIST BILL. Anything else ??? he said I forgot...but he never apologized...he never does... Thats when I'd like a big stick...but it'd make a big mess and I don't wanna ruin all my new furniture... 
Chrys
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User: Chrysantha
Member since: 09-06-2002 Total posts: 2414
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From: plrlegal
Date: 01-24-2006, 09:43 PM (15 of 18)
I can relate to that Chris. Having to clean up the mess off the walls and floors is probably the biggest reason I don't use a "big stick" on my dh when he decides to have one of his temper tantrums. The other one is that most of the time it's not worth giving myself a headache over.  So I just go on with what I'm doing and ignore him.Patsy Patsy
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User: plrlegal
Member since: 05-19-2001 Total posts: 318 |
From: Sancin
Date: 01-25-2006, 01:36 AM (16 of 18)
"I am known for having a temper. It happens only rarely, but one flash, a little explosion, and then it's over. Done with. Gone. Experience has taught me that this can leave complete devastation in my wake. " Something I don't really want to do.  I used to be like this Domestic Goddess. I can not understand people who stayed mad for a long period of time as anger is not a comfortable sensation - my ex could hang onto things for YEARS - and I was always dumbfounded when he brought things up that occurred so long ago. Half the time within 1/2 hr I can never recall what I was angry at and even then I do realize the anger is my problem. And while I probably unconsciously do it, I can never understand why people 'put others down' - what is gained from it? - to demonstrate cleverness? But now I am more like Margot. In fact I rarely get angry. I have thought a lot about anger. I think most of us get angry for several reasons. 1st - we expect something or someone to do something and when it doesn't occur we feel put down or not respected. 2nd. we feel fear when what we expect or want doesn't occur and feel we are losing control (in fact when we get angry we are losing control) 3rd. we believe others should KNOW what is meaningful to us. In reality - why and how should they know if we don't tell them. Usually a deep breath and a thought will stave off anger. Mary's suggestions are good, but none of us is perfect and we all carry some feelings and thoughts we should let go. If we could only say what we feel we probably would prevent a lot of interpersonal damage - of course - we have to know what we feel!! 
*~*~*~* Nancy*~*~*~* " I try to take one day at a time - but sometimes several days attack me at once."
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User: Sancin
Member since: 02-13-2005 Total posts: 895 
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From: LauraM62
Date: 01-25-2006, 07:37 AM (17 of 18)
I learned much of this too long ago  It works well within my marriage too. It isn't uncommon for me to tell DH "I'm angry right now so let's discuss this later when I cool off". We have both found that cooler heads prevail, that we find solutions, compromises, etc when we can talk rationally about it. It also keeps you from bringing up old stuff that should be left in the past, saying things you would regret later, and that name calling thing I think my DH has moved considerably with it over the years, he now thinks before he speaks, less often inserting his foot in his mouth at all levels not just with me - kids, work, volunteer stuff, etc.
LauraM
SW Indiana If everyone cared and nobody cried; If everyone loved and nobody lied; If everyone shared and swallowed their pride; Then we'd see the day when nobody died --'If Everyone Cared' by Nickelback |
User: LauraM62
Member since: 08-10-2003 Total posts: 246 
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From: plrlegal
Date: 01-25-2006, 11:42 AM (18 of 18)
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Right on LauraM. When I really get angry, my DH has learned it's best to leave me alone until I can calm myself down and then I'll talk about whatever it is that we're at odds over. I refuse to scream, yell and name call also because things said in anger cannot be taken back and even though you say you're sorry, the damage has already been done to the other person involved. Besides living on an emotional roller coaster is not for me and I refuse to play emotional games. I have also found that when I "stifle" my urger to retaliate in anger, and keep my little mouth shut, the problem resolves itself whereas screaming back only cause yet another problem and makes the entire situation a lot worse than it was in the beginning. Patsy Patsy
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User: plrlegal
Member since: 05-19-2001 Total posts: 318 |
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