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This archived content is from Mary Wilkins’ sewing and quilting message board “Sew What’s New,” which was retired in August 2007. It is being provided by “Sew What’s Up,” which serves as the new home for many members of “Sew What’s New.”
From: suesodyssey
Date: 06-13-2007, 09:08 AM (1 of 10)
I wrote the beginning of the year about my daughter wanting me to sit apart from my husband for my granddaughter's first communion. Well, I made my decision to sit WITH my husband, I advised my daughter of the decision and she went balistic. I talked to my granddaughter about the seating and why grandpa and I would be sitting together. SHE was just fine with the seating arrangement. She understood there were only 8 places and 9 people wanted to be with her. As it turned out, my granddaughter and her parents were on the end of one row, the sil's parents and the two God mothers were on the row behind them. We were in the row behind them, at the other end...seems the people in charge of the seating made changes after the rehearsal two nights before.

My daughter is still angry with me, as is the rest of the family (his). I thought for sure the in-laws would understand, but apparently didn't. The party after the first communion was very cold (toward me). I talked to one of the God mothers and told her how I felt. Her parents are divorces also, so thought she might understand. Guess she didn't. I had no idea I raised such a daughter. Mother's day went without a call from her. I have called her twice, she hasn't called me. I am in the process of composing a letter to the church. It will not have my name or my daughter or granddaughter's name. That is all I would need would for someone from the church to call her and tell her I was complaining. Probably shouldn't even worry about it...don't imagine it would do any good.

Thanks for letting me vent. It has been a very hard month and a half. The thought of not being able to see my daughter or granddaughter again nags me daily. My sil is so angry...he didn't talk or look at me the entire day of the confirmation.

User: suesodyssey
Member since: 03-29-2005
Total posts: 86
From: Patty22
Date: 06-13-2007, 10:01 AM (2 of 10)

Wow.....without getting into a religious discussion...this is really an example of how some organized religion can really distort the spirit of joy originally intended.

Either people want you in their life, or they don't. If they don't want to share in special occasions or discuss your feelings of how to move forward to make future occasions amicable - you need to put the ball in their court, so to speak - and let them know that you are available, but they need to be the ones to talk when they are ready. Your grand-daughter may not know what is going on, so don't drop lines of communication with her.

I'm sorry Sue. Little tantrums of "love withdrawal" (I'm going to punish you by letting you know I don't love you) are really painful to souls with deep pathos.

Be strong and kind to yourself.
User: Patty22
Member since: 03-29-2006
Total posts: 1194
From: dmoses
Date: 06-13-2007, 10:57 AM (3 of 10)
Hi Sue,

I feel sad that you are being punished in this way, especially since I think that I was one of the people who suggested that you sit with your husband. I personally feel that the behaviour of your daughter and her husband is just plain ridiculous...and is certainly not in keeping with the faith in which they are supposedly raising their child.

I agree with Patty, keep the lines of communication open for your granddaughter, and hopefully they will 'get over it' soon.

By all means, write a letter to the church...if they are aware that these problems are occurring, they will, at least, be given the opportunity to address it in a way that promotes 'healing'.
Take care,
User: dmoses
Member since: 02-22-2002
Total posts: 964
From: DorothyL
Date: 06-13-2007, 11:34 AM (4 of 10)
I think you need to write that letter to your daughter, not the church.
User: DorothyL
Member since: 12-09-2002
Total posts: 3883
From: Pudge99
Date: 06-13-2007, 02:40 PM (5 of 10)
I myself am also frustrated with the seating arrangements for Catholic Ceremonies. At our church only one person was allowed to sit with the child the rest had to fend for themselves. That left me trying to control my two little ones by myself and I almost missed seeing my child make his First Communion. Soooo I have decided that I am gonna be on the planning committee for my next one.

You made a decision to sit with your husband. Your daughter (it sounds like) is also making a decision to stick by her husband. I do not agree with their treatment of you, but it sounds to me like you might have raised your daughter to be a good wife. There are times that my in-laws do not approve of things my husband and I choose, and sometimes they are even right, but the most important thing is that we stick together because that is what a marriage is about.

No child of divorce will ever understand your decision, because ultimately they still harbor in the back if their mind that undying wish to see their parents reunite (so it is no wonder that the Godmother didn't understand).

I agree with the others. Keep the lines open. When your daughter is ready she will come to you.
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Janome Mylock 134D
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User: Pudge99
Member since: 10-30-2001
Total posts: 1375
From: esrun3
Date: 06-13-2007, 06:42 PM (6 of 10)
Sue, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I hope that things smooth out for you soon. Keep the lines of communication open with your daughter-that's all you can do at this point. Sending hugs your way!
User: esrun3
Member since: 12-02-2004
Total posts: 2345
From: Bama
Date: 06-13-2007, 09:29 PM (7 of 10)
I think everyone else gave you some good advice. Give her time and she'll probably get over it. I'm sending (((hugs))) to you too.
User: Bama
Member since: 03-21-2000
Total posts: 2116
From: suesodyssey
Date: 06-14-2007, 11:38 AM (8 of 10)
Thanks ladies... I tried to raise a daughter that was loving, kind and self sufficient and in tune with herself. She is a wonderful mother, teaches special ed and is very self confident. I am going to call her this weekend and try again to talk. Unfortunately, she is just like her mother and somewhat stubborn. I hope that she has had enough time to think about what happened and hopefully understand my position too. My husband and I are not catholic, and she forgets that we don't know what is happening in her religion and how things work.

User: suesodyssey
Member since: 03-29-2005
Total posts: 86
From: pretnichols
Date: 06-14-2007, 11:55 AM (9 of 10)
I think your daughter is wrong to be mad at you. My DD made her 1st communion last year. We were limited to who could sit in the pew with her (me & her dad). We informed my parents in advance, so they opted to get there early to get a seat nearby, along with DH's Aunt (his mother is deceased; she represented his side at her request). The godparents presence was not requested as their wasn't going to be room. They met us later for a celebration instead. As for divorced parents/grandparents, I think you did absolutely the right thing to sit by your husband. I would never ask anyone to do something that is uncomforable, such as not sit with a current spouse (except for wedding participants where it can't be helped). I have friends who are divorced and some who are remarried. Some can't even stand to be in the same room with each other, but they do make an attempt for their joint children. As long as your granddaughter knew you were present to "witness" the event, I'm sure she gave it no other thought. To force someone to sit with an "ex" can actually make the event worse, not better.

Hopefuly, your DD will come around. If she doesn't, shame on her! BTW - you can write the church, but they most likely won't change anything that they do for these occasions. They are "productions" that occur yearly, and they have them tweaked to work best for the church, regardless of family issues. While most try to be accommodating, they try not to change things too much, or it gets out of hand, and then the service does not go off correctly.

Good luck! At least your granddaughter understood!

So little time, sew much to do...........
User: pretnichols
Member since: 10-16-2005
Total posts: 342
From: SummersEchos
Date: 06-14-2007, 11:32 PM (10 of 10)
Sorry your daughter is mad at you for something like this. Hopefully she will get over it, and if you keep the lines open to talk I am sure will help. You know if she is like you then sit down and figure out what someone would do to you to get you to open up and talk about all of it.

User: SummersEchos
Member since: 09-29-2004
Total posts: 884
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