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This archived content is from Mary Wilkins’ sewing and quilting message board “Sew What’s New,” which was retired in August 2007. It is being provided by “Sew What’s Up,” which serves as the new home for many members of “Sew What’s New.”
From: lendube
Date: 07-12-2007, 07:16 PM (1 of 20)
It was no surprise. He's had cancer for 3 1/2 years and for the last few weeks we knew it was time. He was only 61, 10 years older than me. We were married for just shy of 15 years. My two kids are from him. We divorced in 1992.

I feel no grief except where my kids are concerned. They're 24 and 26, too young to lose a dad. He wasn't much of a dad or husband but he wasn't the worst either.

My kids are handling it pretty well. My ds kept in touch over the years and my dd and ex had a falling out when she was 16 and she took the steps recently to mend things a bit. I am so glad she did for her sake. She'll have fewer regrets.

I feel just weird. I didn't think I felt anything about it at all personally but now that it's happened I do feel emotional. In the last hour I realized what it is I feel. It's just the finality of it all. The intimacies of a long relationship are now known only to me. It's like that whole part of my life is really, really over. Finally!

Interesting altogether.

User: lendube
Member since: 08-06-2006
Total posts: 1548
From: judymo
Date: 07-12-2007, 07:45 PM (2 of 20)
Oh Lennie
my heart goes out to you, 12 years ago, my children lost their father, we had been divorced for 19 years before he passed away, my oldest son found him dead on his boat, I like you didn't think I would feel anything when he died, but I was wrong, and like you I felt for my 4 children that they lost their father, not a dad just a father, It brought back alot of memories that I thought were buried and forgotten, good and bad ones, and I had to deal with all over again. as did the children.

judymo:sad: for you
User: judymo
Member since: 03-19-2005
Total posts: 185
From: temom
Date: 07-12-2007, 07:57 PM (3 of 20)
Lennie, he was a huge part of your life, and thus you do have an emotional history. You will be affected by it, and that is completely normal. Just do your best to process the emotions as they surface.
Hugs to you.
User: temom
Member since: 01-19-2007
Total posts: 410
From: Sherri
Date: 07-12-2007, 08:33 PM (4 of 20)
I am sorry to hear that. Lets hope your children can handle it in the best possible time
My website
User: Sherri
Member since: 02-07-2001
Total posts: 357
From: kmccrea
Date: 07-13-2007, 12:16 AM (5 of 20)
Hello, Lennie:
My deepest condolences go out to you and your family. I think I know how you feel. My ex-husband died a few years after we divorced after a lifelong pattern of self destructive behavior (you name it, he did it). I divorced him because of his abusive behavior.
When I learned about it I felt sad for his family, but did not really grieve for him.
I hope you and your children will take comfort in knowing your ex-husband and their father is no longer suffering.
Katherine McCrea
Designer At Large
User: kmccrea
Member since: 05-07-2006
Total posts: 173
From: MotherInLaw
Date: 07-13-2007, 01:00 AM (6 of 20)
Lennie I'm so sorry to hear about your ex. Even though you were not married anymore he was a part of your past life and present because of the children. I still love my ex daugher in laws because they are my grandchildrens Mothers. I hope you can be there for your childrens emotional needs at this time. Maybe you can remember the good times better with them and help them remember his love for them. I always say there's good in everyone but sometimes you have to dig a little deeper to find it in some. Hugs to you and your children.
I'm regressing back into my youth, I just have to figure out how I'm going to convience my body to come along with me.
User: MotherInLaw
Member since: 06-25-2005
Total posts: 1118
From: Bama
Date: 07-13-2007, 11:30 AM (7 of 20)
So sorry Lennie. Even tho you were divorced, you still had kids with him. I hope they are doing well.
It's always emotional to me when someone I know dies, even if I didn't particularly like the person. I think you said it all here :
*It's just the finality of it all. The intimacies of a long relationship are now known only to me. It's like that whole part of my life is really, really over. Finally!*

Sending (hugs)
User: Bama
Member since: 03-21-2000
Total posts: 2116
From: lendube
Date: 07-13-2007, 12:24 PM (8 of 20)
Thank you so much, all of you. Interesting to hear from those of you who have been in similar situations. Like I've always said, every birth and every death is unique.

My poor dd. I called her after she got home from work. She and her fiance were heading out the door to walk the dogs. She seemed to be dealing with things very well with some fond memories from childhood and how happy she was to have seen him and made contact after 10 years. She called me 1/2 hour later and it turned out that one of her dogs inhaled a fox tail and they were on their way to the emergency vets because the poor pup was in pain. It's over an hour's drive and they'll be paying 3x the cost. Wouldn't you have thought that her dad's dying would have been enough for one day??? Haven't spoken to her yet. I'll see her today.

Spoke to ds twice also. He was his normal light hearted, joking self but I'm glad he was busy at work yesterday to keep his mind busy. I'll see him tomorrow.

You've all touched my heart. Thanks,

User: lendube
Member since: 08-06-2006
Total posts: 1548
From: Jeke
Date: 07-13-2007, 01:15 PM (9 of 20)
Lennie, my condolences to you and your kids, also. Circumstances may be different for everyone, but when there has been a relationship those emotions still come and take some time to heal. I also do hope your daughter's furbaby is okay.
User: Jeke
Member since: 11-10-2004
Total posts: 232
From: PaulineG
Date: 07-13-2007, 05:10 PM (10 of 20)
So sorry to hear your news Lennie. Sending hugs and best wishes to you and your kids.

The fox tail may have come along at just the right time though. She will probably expend some of the emotion that she feels but might have held back about her dad. We do seem freer to express our feelings about our pets sometimes than we do people. It seems like rotton luck but might have a silver lining.
User: PaulineG
Member since: 09-08-2006
Total posts: 901
From: lendube
Date: 07-13-2007, 05:29 PM (11 of 20)
Good point, Pauline. Spent an hour talking to dd a little while ago. We didn't talk much about her dad. We just talked like we normally do only a bit more. She needed to talk and was feeling pretty good about things when we hung up.

Her pooch is fine and they caught it in time. Once these foxtails go into the ear canal they tend to make their way down to the eardrum and stay there becoming infected, etc. The bill was only $130.00. (This was an emergency vet, after all). They were home by 11:30.

User: lendube
Member since: 08-06-2006
Total posts: 1548
From: MartySews2
Date: 07-13-2007, 06:25 PM (12 of 20)
Lennie, am sorry to hear about the death of your ex. It will take time for all to heal. Know that many prayers are with you during this difficult time. My parents have been divorced 42+ years but my mom took her ex-sil's death very hard this spring even though they had little contact with one another. It's just part of life.
Marty (sending hugs your way):smile:
User: MartySews2
Member since: 05-03-2007
Total posts: 293
From: MaryW
Date: 07-13-2007, 07:37 PM (13 of 20)
I am sorry for your children's loss. It must be difficult for you as well.
owner/editor of Sew Whats New
User: MaryW
Member since: 06-23-2005
Total posts: 2542
From: Upholsteress
Date: 07-13-2007, 10:24 PM (14 of 20)
:( *hug*
User: Upholsteress
Member since: 01-21-2007
Total posts: 35
From: lendube
Date: 07-13-2007, 10:29 PM (15 of 20)
Thanks again, everyone.

I guess there is a bright side. I'm here for my kids - whatever they need. I'm not caught up in my own grief. How difficult that must be.

User: lendube
Member since: 08-06-2006
Total posts: 1548
From: Bruna
Date: 07-15-2007, 07:06 PM (16 of 20)
Dear Lennie,
Please accept my condolences for you and your children. Even though you were divorced from him you shared a long history and now there's not another person who knows the little things you shared and some of them must have been pleasant. As to your children, as you said he was their father, not their dad, but now there's no chance of him ever becoming their dad, so that must be a grief in itself, for them and to them, I'd imagine that your feelings are a combination of all of those things and perhaps mostly regret for what he missed out on and what could have been for your children. I'm thinking of you and sending positive feelings your way.
Regards, Bruna.
User: Bruna
Member since: 02-19-2007
Total posts: 42
From: lendube
Date: 07-17-2007, 11:51 AM (17 of 20)
Thank you, Bruna, for the heartfelt post.

Thanks, everyone.

User: lendube
Member since: 08-06-2006
Total posts: 1548
From: Magot
Date: 07-17-2007, 02:31 PM (18 of 20)
Just found this post, Lennie.

It is always a shock when someone dies - you have no chance of ever mending a relationship. Regardless of how long you have been apart there was a connection with him once - you made children together and I can understand how much it can hurt for your childrens sake that they will no longer be able to speak to him.

Thank the Lord you have Kevin - hugs.
love and kisses, Jan
Cells a Speciality
DNA to order.
User: Magot
Member since: 12-22-2002
Total posts: 3626
From: lendube
Date: 07-17-2007, 04:43 PM (19 of 20)
Thanks, Jan, I am so grateful and for my children's sake as well.

User: lendube
Member since: 08-06-2006
Total posts: 1548
From: esrun3
Date: 07-17-2007, 10:07 PM (20 of 20)
Lennie, I'm late but so sorry to hear about your ex-it's good your children have their mom to help bolster them in a time like this. Hope things are going well for all of you.
User: esrun3
Member since: 12-02-2004
Total posts: 2345
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