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The Sew What’s New Archive
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From: Emmy
Date: 07-13-2007, 01:26 AM (1 of 19)
I just have to vent. My sisters are driving me crazy. Or maybe I should say my sisters are crazy and trying to take me with them. That's what my husband and daughter say.  I think they're right! My sisters interferred with my daughter trying to visit her grandmother. I won't go into details, but it all lead to some very heated phone calls, starting on their side with rudeness, yelling, and even attempts to intimidate. My husband got very angry and decided to chew one of my sisters out for her abusive behavior. She needed to hear it, but it sure was a bad weekend. I have never seen my husband so angry, or so verbal about it. I was worried he might have a stroke. I am so fed up with my family. If this keeps up, I'll have no family left, except my mom, husband, and daughter. The trouble is that my family doesn't seem to get it. They think they can continue the abuse and get away with it. I will not put up with it. Maybe the best solution is to cut off contact. What do you think? Emmy 
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User: Emmy
Member since: 09-01-2001 Total posts: 127 
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From: Skye
Date: 07-13-2007, 02:50 AM (2 of 19)
| Families - not always good this website maybe helpful to you http://216.227.214.7/dc/dcboard.php |
User: Skye
Member since: 09-28-2000 Total posts: 233 |
From: PaulineG
Date: 07-13-2007, 07:47 AM (3 of 19)
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What a seriously scary website Skye. I've had in-law problems (haven't we all) but some of that stuff takes it to a whole other level. Emmy - cutting off contact is a fairly drastic step. You need to think about which is going to make you happier in the longer term as well as the short. Also about what is best for your dd. Maybe just take a step back from them for a short while and see how you feel. And whether or not following that break they continue to behave in ways that you can't put up with. If you can manage to have a civilised conversation with them at any stage you might even mention that you've considered cutting off contact. It may wake them up to what they've been doing - if it doesn't set them off that is. In the end these are all questions only you can answer. Pauline
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User: PaulineG
Member since: 09-08-2006 Total posts: 901 |
From: Suzan61
Date: 07-13-2007, 09:03 AM (4 of 19)
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Sounds like may family - except I am the daughter and my mother and grandmother are trying to keep peace due to my all my aunts unreasonable tantrums! YEARS and YEARS ago, my ex-husband decided to "relieve" himself on my aunts car at her daughters wedding! That husband is so long gone and she still punishes me for it. Recently, my gramma has been preparing her will, and in her will, she indicated I was to get a Royal Doulton. My aunt saw this, showed my other aunts, and put a stop to it - "Suzie doesn't deserve one of the Royal Doultons". You've got me - lets see - 6 Royal Doultons, 3 Aunts, 1 mother, 2 grand-daughters. If you add the math everything is fair. NOT according to "Aunt Squirly". Anyhow - to keep peace - my dear gramma and my mom went out and purchased another Royal Doulton and gave it to me in private and didn't tell a soul. My Gramma has not yet passed on - she is now in a nursing home with dimentia - so as I see it, if she remembers that she bought me the Royal Doulton and already gave it to me and she tells my dear AUNT, I sure am glad I moved across the country 4 years ago! Suzan |
User: Suzan61
Member since: 03-17-2007 Total posts: 10 |
From: Bama
Date: 07-13-2007, 11:54 AM (5 of 19)
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So sorry you're having family problems. That's never good to hear. I agree with Pauline. Step back for a while. Cool off and see what happens. Don't argue with them. Tell them you'll speak to them when they can carry on a conversation about it without yelling or being rude. Ask them if it's really worth losing part of their family. I don't know the details, but tell them it should be up to the grandmother if she wants to see the granddaughter. Not them. |
User: Bama
Member since: 03-21-2000 Total posts: 2116 
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From: Bama
Date: 07-13-2007, 11:56 AM (6 of 19)
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Suzan, There's usually one like your aunt in every family. We have one in ours, tho she's a little more subtle about it.
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User: Bama
Member since: 03-21-2000 Total posts: 2116
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From: lendube
Date: 07-13-2007, 12:30 PM (7 of 19)
Please listen to Pauline. I think she's got it right. She's deceptively wise beyond her young years.  I have no sisters (just two bros) so I'm not sure how the sibling thing is there. I can't say I ever wished for a sister.........maybe this is why??  Good luck and just take a huge step backwards. Lennie |
User: lendube
Member since: 08-06-2006 Total posts: 1548 |
From: Emmy
Date: 07-13-2007, 02:59 PM (8 of 19)
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Yes, I know it would be a serious step. In the past I have often cut off all contact for months at a time. My brother has been out of my life for years now because of emotional and physical abuse. I had to cut all contact with my mom for 2 years before she was finally willing to listen and try to change. My sisters used to average 3 to 6 months before they were willing to try to be decent to me. I'm not putting up with it anymore, its just too stressful. Long term avoidance seems to be the only thing that works. Its a sad situation. Emmy 
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User: Emmy
Member since: 09-01-2001 Total posts: 127
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From: Judi
Date: 07-14-2007, 12:55 AM (9 of 19)
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I only had one sister, older than I. She had lots of problems all her life getting along with friends, family, and even jobs. She was indulged by Mom, more to keep the peace, and Dad just tolerated her tantrums. When my Mom died, she 'went off' at my Dad and I - for which I never really forgave her. Dad and I were close, and he saw what had happened for so many years. He decided what he wanted me to have, and gave it to me before he died. He also made me the executor of his will with a 'no-obstruction' clause - if she objected, she'd get nothing, and neither would her kids. It helped, but did not stop her from making the division of his small estate difficult. When she made unacceptable demands, and had one of her tantrums, I flat told her 'it worked with Mom, and Dad tolerated it to keep the peace, but I would not tolerate her bad behavior and she had to face facts. She would no longer get everything she wanted with no consideration as to fairness, or what I might want.' She removed herself from my family, and I didn't hear from her for several years. She finally called me and we talked a bit but she never did admit that she caused so much turmoil. We never did get close again. Thank heavens that Dad saw what was happening, and would no longer let it happen to me. I was blessed. Emmy, What your sisters do is beyond your control. You cannot change them, and it sounds like your Mom will not be able to make any changes either. Your daughter should continue to try to see grandmother, If she is denied this, it won't be because she didn't try, and if you tell her this it may help it be less hurtful for her. My prayers for you and your daughter and husband too, for peace, and strength and guidance. Judi
Sewing is almost better than Chocolate. |
User: Judi
Member since: 06-22-2000 Total posts: 85 |
From: Emmy
Date: 07-14-2007, 01:20 AM (10 of 19)
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I only had one sister, older than I. She had lots of problems all her life getting along with friends, family, and even jobs. She was indulged by Mom, more to keep the peace, ...My prayers for you and your daughter and husband too, for peace, and strength and guidance. Thanks for the prayers Judi.  My sister sounds much like yours. My mom is indulging her too. You're right. I can't control what anyone does, except me. I still get frustrated. Oh well, I guess its a good thing I'm up here and they're down there, long distance. Got to find the humour in it, or at least try. Thanks for listening everyone, it really does help to discuss this with people who aren't caught up in the middle of it. Hugs to all, Emmy
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User: Emmy
Member since: 09-01-2001 Total posts: 127
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From: MartySews2
Date: 07-14-2007, 11:18 AM (11 of 19)
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Emmy, One cannot change someone else's behavior no matter how hard one tries. However, one can change one's response to the behavior. Only you can decide how much abuse you're willing to take and how it will effect your relationship with your mother. Your daughter will have to decide also how much she can tolerate. Family dynamics and relationships are very complicated. In my own family, I decided to limit contact with the abusive ones but not cut them off completely as it effected the relationship with the other family members. I tried the no contact for 7 years but it was only a "BIG" elephant when trying to talk to the rest of the family. Now, most of my contact is thru emails and the occasional phone call. This works for me. I try to see the good in everyone regardless of how they behave but I do not let them stress me out. That is something I can control by not answering an email or hanging up the phone when it becomes unpleasant. I do not owe anyone an explanation. Also, all wills are not honored no matter how much it should be. That's just life unfortunately. I do not expect anything from any family member. When it is given, I consider it a bonus. When an aunt died recently, she had told me for years of all the things I was to get. However, it didn't happen that way. I just considered that it was probably not meant to be and let it go. If I truly want something, my DH will try to get it for me and that's all that counts. Sorry this is very long. Hugs to you and your daughter. Remember "this too shall pass".  Marty |
User: MartySews2
Member since: 05-03-2007 Total posts: 293 
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From: Reta J
Date: 07-14-2007, 06:24 PM (12 of 19)
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They say you can't pick your family but you have to live with it. I say wrong. Just because there is a biological tie, it doesn't give anyone the right to berate, harass, abuse in any form including mental and emotional. I have cut ties with my family, it all came to a head when my parents passed away a couple of years ago. I wouldn't put up with crap and told my sisters to never cross my path again (ok i told them where to go). My brother and I still talk every couple of months. He also told them off. My one sister tried to get to me by way of my daughter, but daughter saw what was happening and blocked her e-mail. Consider your hubby and your kids as your family and let the rest go. Since I did, my blood pressure dropped and I don't have the indegestion (almost ulcers) like I did when they were around. Be very choosy who you want around your kids. Why put them through the hell you were put through knowing these people. I say choose family like you do friends, if you wouldn't be friends with them then why let them in YOUR family. Sewing Forever
Housework Whenever Reta J |
User: Reta J
Member since: 01-30-2002 Total posts: 136 
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From: Judi
Date: 07-14-2007, 09:51 PM (13 of 19)
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Wise words, Reta. We don't have to LIKE our family, even though we may 'love them because they are family'. We should never accept or tolerate abuse - from anyone. If it was a 'friend' or an acquaintance, we would distance ourselves quickly. Our family members deserve nothing more. Judi
Sewing is almost better than Chocolate. |
User: Judi
Member since: 06-22-2000 Total posts: 85 |
From: DorothyL
Date: 07-15-2007, 09:17 AM (14 of 19)
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If you want to appreciate unpleasant family members come see me. I'll introduce you to my sister-in-law from hell any yours will all seem like nice people again!! Dorothy But don't loan her money!! |
User: DorothyL
Member since: 12-09-2002 Total posts: 3883 |
From: Patty22
Date: 07-15-2007, 11:58 AM (15 of 19)
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We often have romantic visions of loving families and the parents are always wise/loving and a source of stability. Without going into any details....I will say that I haven't seen my parents in 13 years or talked to them in over 11 years. While it makes my life so much easier and less frustrating it also makes for some moments of sadness. However, when I get a little too remorsefull, I give myself a good kick in the butt. If you have a relationship realizing you are dealing with tainted personalities AND you can handle this and explain the relationship to your family in terms they accept, you are a saint. I know my limitations and have chosen not to polute my kids thinking bad behavior is acceptable. Hopefully, the cycle of dysfunctional behavior will have ended with my parent's generation. It's never an easy path..... Patty
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User: Patty22
Member since: 03-29-2006 Total posts: 1194 |
From: DorothyL
Date: 07-15-2007, 01:11 PM (16 of 19)
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Do you think, maybe, our family members say similar things about us when they discuss these issues from their point of view? Dorothy |
User: DorothyL
Member since: 12-09-2002 Total posts: 3883 |
From: Patty22
Date: 07-15-2007, 03:07 PM (17 of 19)
No they don't say the same things; if we thought alike we'd understand one another.  Emmy, is there some common ground you share with your family that is important to keep the connection? I am just trying to think of why the relationship is important to save (playing devil's advocate). On another note, maybe with your mother's age, your family feels caring for her is a burden and thus they are venting on you without realizing their frustration as a care giver? In other words, they don't understand the source of their anger. Certainly I am not trying to justify their bad behavior, but trying to help you understand if there is another source for their current temperment. Patty
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User: Patty22
Member since: 03-29-2006 Total posts: 1194 |
From: Emmy
Date: 07-18-2007, 06:42 PM (18 of 19)
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Emmy, is there some common ground you share with your family that is important to keep the connection? I am just trying to think of why the relationship is important to save (playing devil's advocate). On another note, maybe with your mother's age, your family feels caring for her is a burden and thus they are venting on you without realizing their frustration as a care giver? In other words, they don't understand the source of their anger. Certainly I am not trying to justify their bad behavior, but trying to help you understand if there is another source for their current temperment. The only common ground is my mom and genes. I don't think having to care for mom is the problem, since they don't do that much for her. Mom was on her own and says now that she wishes she had stayed where she was. There's bad blood between them all, but that's no excuse. Its time to put the past where it belongs... in the past. Otherwise, why get involved at all? I got a card from one sister today, it said I apologize. That's all. She signed her name. I can tell from her handwriting and the underscore that she was angry about doing it and did it reluctantly, but at least she finally did it. I'll accept it for what its worth. I demanded an apology, I guess I got one. I know mom told her to apologize too. This is only the second time in her life she has apologized to me and there have been plenty of times when she should have. In the past, I've just been too easy on everyone, willing to put up with crap to keep the family together and keep the peace, but that's come to an end. Like Dr Phil says, "and how's that working for you?" It wasn't. My sisters were trying to run everyone else's life, including my mom's. That has to stop. I've made my stand, and its up to them to make some effort to get along. If they can't, I won't have much, if any contact with them. I've reached the limit of my patience with them. Time for them to grow up. (and I'm the youngest, LOL) From now on, they are on notice. We'll see how it goes. My husband and daughter would sooner have no contact with them, except my mom. Problem is, she's down there with them. Emmy |
User: Emmy
Member since: 09-01-2001 Total posts: 127
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From: Patty22
Date: 07-19-2007, 09:13 AM (19 of 19)
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Emmy, you have certainly thought the situation through coming from different angles. As a mom, wife and having other responsibilities demanding sanity.....it is important to protect your mental health. Stay in touch with your family, but remind yourself of their toxic personalities. You can be polite without getting dragged into issues they need to resolve themselves. Sounds like your mom got herself into an unhappy situation. It makes one wonder if she was afraid of being alone down the road, unsure of her own strength being alone, or convinced otherwise. Maybe there is some kind of elder care/mental health association in the area your mom can consult with if she isn't happy. Or even some kind of social group where they plan activities of interest. I know our local senior center has dinners and bus trips, etc. Lots of women I know that quilt join in and they have a fun time. Just being with others she can relate to might help. Just suggestions as I don't think what you are experiencing is just unique to you. I think others have faced the same situation and there might be some kind of resource to help. As far as families getting ugly with wills.....that's not unique either. Stay strong Emmy! Life is rewarding, but not necessarily easy. Patty
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User: Patty22
Member since: 03-29-2006 Total posts: 1194 |
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