Date: 06-19-2003, 10:12 AM (1 of 8)
I just found this on AOL's boards and had to pass it on. There was no attribution so I don't know where it came from but it is great.
Subject: Women and their bathing suits
When I was a child in the 1950's the bathing suit for the mature figure
was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They
were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job.
Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a
figure carved from a potato chip. The mature woman has a choice -- she
can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral
suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped
from Disney's Fantasia or she can wander around every run of the mill
department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a
designer range of fluorescent rubber bands. What choice did I have? I
wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of
horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the
extra ordinary tensile strength of the stretch material.
The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to
launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that
if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected
from shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff
would immediately suffer whiplash. I fought my way into the bathing
suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror
my bosom had disappeared!! Eventually, I found one bosom cowering under
my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it
flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is that modern bathing
suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom
spread across her chest like a speed bump.
I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full
view assessment. The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it
only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me
oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump
of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap. As I tried to work out
where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl
popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are!" she said,
admiring the bathing suit. I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked
what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made
me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave
the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.
struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills and
came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a
I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in
I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would
have to wax my eyebrows to wear them. Finally, I found a suit that fit .
.. . a two-piece affair with shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type
top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My
ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.
When I got home, I found a label which read -- Material might become
transparent in water."
Member since: 12-09-2002
Total posts: 3883
Date: 06-19-2003, 12:15 PM (2 of 8)
ROFLMAO, that does it, no bathing suits for me.
owner/editor of Sew Whats New
Member since: 06-23-2005
Total posts: 2542
Date: 06-19-2003, 12:46 PM (3 of 8)
Member since: 09-06-2002
Total posts: 2414
Date: 06-19-2003, 04:20 PM (4 of 8)
|That sounds kind of familiar.||
Member since: 03-21-2000
Total posts: 2116
From: LeapFrog Libby
Date: 06-19-2003, 06:29 PM (5 of 8)
Sew With Love
User: LeapFrog Libby
Member since: 05-01-2002
Total posts: 2022
From: Sewing Oodles
Date: 06-19-2003, 07:57 PM (6 of 8)
I laughed so hard and loud everyone in the house came to see what was so funny. Since the people in the house was a man and a teenager they missed the humor.
User: Sewing Oodles
Member since: 07-29-2002
Total posts: 69
Date: 06-20-2003, 12:14 AM (7 of 8)
I'm the same as the rest of the girls ...... ROTFLMAO....... To funny!!!!
Don't let anyone ...Live Rent Free In Your Head
Member since: 11-30-2002
Total posts: 489
Date: 06-20-2003, 03:15 AM (8 of 8)
Nice to know I'm not the only one with a collection of dead bathing suits I can't throw away ( they are not worn out) but scare me when I put them on.
love and kisses, Jan
Cells a Speciality
DNA to order.
Member since: 12-22-2002
Total posts: 3626
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