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From: DorothyL
Date: 06-19-2003, 10:12 AM (1 of 8)
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I just found this on AOL's boards and had to pass it on. There was no attribution so I don't know where it came from but it is great. Subject: Women and their bathing suits When I was a child in the 1950's the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job. Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip. The mature woman has a choice -- she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands. What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extra ordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash. I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror my bosom had disappeared!! Eventually, I found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment. The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are!" she said, admiring the bathing suit. I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring. struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day. I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them. Finally, I found a suit that fit . .. . a two-piece affair with shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured. When I got home, I found a label which read -- Material might become transparent in water." |
User: DorothyL
Member since: 12-09-2002 Total posts: 3883 |
From: MaryW
Date: 06-19-2003, 12:15 PM (2 of 8)
ROFLMAO, that does it, no bathing suits for me. 
MaryW
owner/editor of Sew Whats New |
User: MaryW
Member since: 06-23-2005 Total posts: 2542 
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From: Chrysantha
Date: 06-19-2003, 12:46 PM (3 of 8)
LMFAO !!!!!!!!!
Chrys
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User: Chrysantha
Member since: 09-06-2002 Total posts: 2414 
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From: Bama
Date: 06-19-2003, 04:20 PM (4 of 8)
That sounds kind of familiar. 
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User: Bama
Member since: 03-21-2000 Total posts: 2116 
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From: LeapFrog Libby
Date: 06-19-2003, 06:29 PM (5 of 8)
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OUTSTANDING !!!!!:
Sew With Love
Libby |
User: LeapFrog Libby
Member since: 05-01-2002 Total posts: 2022 
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From: Sewing Oodles
Date: 06-19-2003, 07:57 PM (6 of 8)
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<<~~~dies laughing I laughed so hard and loud everyone in the house came to see what was so funny. Since the people in the house was a man and a teenager they missed the humor. Hugz,
Cindy~Texas |
User: Sewing Oodles
Member since: 07-29-2002 Total posts: 69 
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From: bren
Date: 06-20-2003, 12:14 AM (7 of 8)
I'm the same as the rest of the girls ...... ROTFLMAO....... To funny!!!!
Bren:
Don't let anyone ...Live Rent Free In Your Head |
User: bren
Member since: 11-30-2002 Total posts: 489 
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From: Magot
Date: 06-20-2003, 03:15 AM (8 of 8)
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Nice to know I'm not the only one with a collection of dead bathing suits I can't throw away ( they are not worn out) but scare me when I put them on.
love and kisses, Jan
Guts-R-Us Cells a Speciality DNA to order. |
User: Magot
Member since: 12-22-2002 Total posts: 3626 
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