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This archived content is from Mary Wilkins’ sewing and quilting message board “Sew What’s New,” which was retired in August 2007. It is being provided by “Sew What’s Up,” which serves as the new home for many members of “Sew What’s New.”
From: plrlegal
Date: 02-19-2004, 05:07 PM (1 of 1)
I just had to take time to post this!!! :bg:


If you read this without laughing out loud, there is
something_ wrong with you._ This is dedicated to
everyone who ever_ attempted to get into a regular
workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local
health club for me.

Although I am_ still in great shape since playing on
my college football team 25 years_ ago, I decided it
would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservation with
personal trainer named_ Belinda, who identified
herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swimwear._ My wife
seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!_ The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:_ Started my day at 6:00am._ Tough to get out
of bed,_ but it was well worth it when I arrived at
the health club to find Belinda waiting for me._ She
was something of a goddess - with blonde_ hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile._ Woo Hoo!!!!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill.
She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I
attributed_ it to standing next to her in her Lycra
aerobics_ outfit. I enjoyed_ watching the skillful
way in which she conducted her aerobics class_ after
my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging_ as I did_ my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from
holding it in the_ whole time she was around._ This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:_ I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally
made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back
and push a heavy iron bar into the_ air, and then she
put weights on it!_ My legs were a little wobbly on
the treadmill, but I made the full mile._ Belinda's
rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!
It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:_ The only way I can brush my teeth is by
laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my
mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals._ Driving was OK as long as
I didn't try to steer or stop._ I parked on top of a
GEO in the club_ parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she
scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster._ Why would anyone invent a machine_ to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me_ it would help me get in shape and enjoy life._ She said some other nonsense too.

THURSDAY:_ Belinda was waiting for me with her
vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips
were pulled back in a full snarl._ I couldn't help
being a half an hour late; it took me that long_ to
tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells.
When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's
room._ She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment,
put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

FRIDAY:_ I hate that Belinda more than any human
being has ever hated any other human being in the
history of the world._ Stupid, skinny, anemic little
cheerleader._ If there were a part of my_ body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her
with it. Belinda_ wanted me to work on my triceps._ I don't
have any triceps! And if you_ don't want dents in the
floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich._ (Which I
am sure_ you learned in the sadist school you attended and
graduated magna cum laude.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir

SATURDAY:_ Belinda left a message on my answering
machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I
did not show up today._ Just hearing her made me want
to smash the machine with my planner. However, I
lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and_ ended up
catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:_ I'm having the Church van pick me up for
services today so I can go and thank GOD that this
week is over._ I will also pray that next year, my
wife will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a
root canal or a vasectomy.

User: plrlegal
Member since: 05-19-2001
Total posts: 318
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