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From: plrlegal
Date: 02-19-2004, 05:07 PM (1 of 1)
I just had to take time to post this!!!  1 WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something_ wrong with you._ This is dedicated to everyone who ever_ attempted to get into a regular workout routine. Dear Diary, For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am_ still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years_ ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called the club and made my reservation with personal trainer named_ Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear._ My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!_ The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. MONDAY:_ Started my day at 6:00am._ Tough to get out of bed,_ but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me._ She was something of a goddess - with blonde_ hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile._ Woo Hoo!!!!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed_ it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics_ outfit. I enjoyed_ watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class_ after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging_ as I did_ my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the_ whole time she was around._ This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! TUESDAY:_ I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the_ air, and then she put weights on it!_ My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile._ Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me. WEDNESDAY:_ The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals._ Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop._ I parked on top of a GEO in the club_ parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster._ Why would anyone invent a machine_ to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me_ it would help me get in shape and enjoy life._ She said some other nonsense too. THURSDAY:_ Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl._ I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long_ to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room._ She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank. FRIDAY:_ I hate that Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world._ Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader._ If there were a part of my_ body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda_ wanted me to work on my triceps._ I don't have any triceps! And if you_ don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich._ (Which I am sure_ you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? SATURDAY:_ Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today._ Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and_ ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. SUNDAY:_ I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over._ I will also pray that next year, my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy. Patsy Patsy
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User: plrlegal
Member since: 05-19-2001 Total posts: 318 |
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