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This archived content is from Mary Wilkins’ sewing and quilting message board “Sew What’s New,” which was retired in August 2007. It is being provided by “Sew What’s Up,” which serves as the new home for many members of “Sew What’s New.”
From: Mother in Law
Date: 06-16-2004, 11:20 PM (1 of 7)
It is a little long but, FUNNY!! Every women will see herself in this one and laugh!!!! :shock:

My mother was a fanatic about public bathrooms. (Very true!)

When I was a little girl, she'd take me into the stall, teach me to wad
up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of
toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, NEVER
sit on a public toilet seat. Then she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which
consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without
actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. By
this time, I'd have wet down my leg and we'd have to go home to change my
clothes.

That was a long time ago. Even now, in my more "mature years, "The
Stance" is excruciatingly difficult to maintain, especially when one's
bladder is full.

When you have to "go" in a public bathroom, you usually find a line of
women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Nelly's underwear
in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, who
are also crossing their legs and smiling politely. You get closer and
check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied. Finally, a
door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the
stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. The
dispenser for the new fangled "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom,
no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook
if there was one - but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly hang it
around your neck (mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the
FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."

Ahhhh, relief. More relief.

But then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you
certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it,
so you hold "The Stance" as your thighs experience a quake that would
register an eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off of your
trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet
paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying,
"Honey, if you would have tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN
there was no toilet paper!"

Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your
nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That would have
to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller
than your thumbnail. Someone pushes open your stall door because the
latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around
your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward
against the tank of the toilet.

"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your
precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle, and sliding down, directly
nto the insidious toilet seat. You bolt up quickly, knowing all too well
that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every
imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never
laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken
time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if
she knew, because you're certain that her bare bottom never touched a
public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind
of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain
that suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto
the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged off to China.

At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the splashing water. You're
exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket,
then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to
operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands
with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still
waiting, cross-legged and, at this point, no longer able to smile
politely.

One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are
trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi
River! (Where was it when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your
shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just
might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has since entered, used and exited
the men's restroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for
you. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse
hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a
public restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!). It finally
explains to the men what really does take us so long.

It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to
the restroom in pairs. It's so the other woman can hold the door and hand
you Kleenex under the door.
User: Mother in Law
Member since:
Total posts:
From: MaryW
Date: 06-17-2004, 08:23 AM (2 of 7)
Aint it the truth! Thanks Susie.
MaryW
owner/editor of Sew Whats New
User: MaryW
Member since: 06-23-2005
Total posts: 2542
From: Mother in Law
Date: 06-17-2004, 11:24 AM (3 of 7)
This one really hit home with me I'm so short I never can get the stance right and my thighs always start to tremble the minute I take that darn stance. :bluesad:.......................... :bg:
User: Mother in Law
Member since:
Total posts:
From: MaryW
Date: 06-17-2004, 11:40 AM (4 of 7)
:bg: ROFLMAO
MaryW
owner/editor of Sew Whats New
User: MaryW
Member since: 06-23-2005
Total posts: 2542
From: bren
Date: 06-17-2004, 07:23 PM (5 of 7)
That made me laugh so "HARD!" ...I guess I was relating...my mom told me the same thing... thank's for the laugh Susie .
Bren:
Don't let anyone ...Live Rent Free In Your Head
User: bren
Member since: 11-30-2002
Total posts: 489
From: plrlegal
Date: 06-18-2004, 07:19 PM (6 of 7)
Been there and done that!!!! :bg: Thanks for the laugh Susie.

I now carry a personal pak of the toilet seat covers in my purse as well as in both our vehicles and keep one of the little purse size packages of tissues in my purse and in each of our vehicles. I see women all the time who use the restroom and walk out without ever attempting to wash or even rinse their hands off. Yuck!!!

Patsy
Patsy
User: plrlegal
Member since: 05-19-2001
Total posts: 318
From: Mother in Law
Date: 06-18-2004, 10:06 PM (7 of 7)
I have to confess I didn't write this joke. It was sent to me by someone who I think could have wrote it but I don't think she did either. It made me laugh at my self when I read it so I thought I'd share it with you.
User: Mother in Law
Member since:
Total posts:
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