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This archived content is from Mary Wilkins’ sewing and quilting message board “Sew What’s New,” which was retired in August 2007. It is being provided by “Sew What’s Up,” which serves as the new home for many members of “Sew What’s New.”
From: Reta J
Date: 01-31-2006, 08:58 PM (1 of 11)
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids.

I*then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."

*So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius,* but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it
tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extra-ordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.* Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my Who-Ha and stretching down* to the inside of my butt cheek(Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!!** Blinded from pain!!!!....* OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!** Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.* CRAP!!!* Another deep breath and RRIIPP!!* Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums???* *Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There is no hair on it.

Where is the hair???


Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP!** I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet?* I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.* DANG!!!!!!!!* I hear the slamming of a cell door.

Who-Ha ?* Sealed shut!

Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"

What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???*** *WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.* So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter........

"So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"* There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!!* Right!!* I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!** By now the brain is not working,
my dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful,* but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.** So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.

Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......
Sewing Forever
Housework Whenever
Reta J
User: Reta J
Member since: 01-30-2002
Total posts: 136
From: pretnichols
Date: 01-31-2006, 09:09 PM (2 of 11)
ROFLMAO and crying to boot! Thank you I needed this tonight! :bg:

So little time, sew much to do...........
User: pretnichols
Member since: 10-16-2005
Total posts: 342
From: Chrysantha
Date: 01-31-2006, 09:27 PM (3 of 11)
What some of us will do to be hair free...LMAO !!! :bg: :bg: :bg:
User: Chrysantha
Member since: 09-06-2002
Total posts: 2414
From: ninifav
Date: 02-01-2006, 12:22 AM (4 of 11)
I'm crying...this has to be a true story...No one could make that one up...roflol....
User: ninifav
Member since: 09-06-2004
Total posts: 204
From: MotherInLaw
Date: 02-01-2006, 12:26 AM (5 of 11)
The Poise pad is in gear tonight!!!! I am crying and laughing so hard I woke up my hubby. This has got to be the best I've heard in years!!!!!!!!

Reta J, this is a joke isn't it!????!!! You poor girl if it's not!!!!! Thanks for sharing that with me, and you don't have to answer that on the grounds it might incriminate you!!!
I'm regressing back into my youth, I just have to figure out how I'm going to convience my body to come along with me.
User: MotherInLaw
Member since: 06-25-2005
Total posts: 1118
From: bridesmom
Date: 02-01-2006, 02:23 AM (6 of 11)
OMG That had to be the most hilarious thing I have ever read!!!! Oh, I really hope that it isn't a true story, but my gosh, that was the best ever!!!
Tickled pink with my Innovis 4000D
User: bridesmom
Member since: 01-21-2004
Total posts: 2026
From: DorothyL
Date: 02-01-2006, 07:50 AM (7 of 11)
Oh --
That was so funny. I was laughing so hard I cried and almost peed my pants. That is one to send to my daughters. Thank you. That was so funny to wake up too.
User: DorothyL
Member since: 12-09-2002
Total posts: 3883
From: Reta J
Date: 02-01-2006, 07:56 AM (8 of 11)
A friend sent that to me and I had to share. :bg:
Sewing Forever
Housework Whenever
Reta J
User: Reta J
Member since: 01-30-2002
Total posts: 136
From: MotherInLaw
Date: 02-01-2006, 11:26 AM (9 of 11)
Reta I think the reason it's so funny is because the whole time you are reading this you have to be thinking about the silly things I've did in the past and this girl could have been me. At least that is what I was doing when I read the joke. I also sent it on to all my girlfriends. Hilarious!!!! Thank you for sharing
I'm regressing back into my youth, I just have to figure out how I'm going to convience my body to come along with me.
User: MotherInLaw
Member since: 06-25-2005
Total posts: 1118
From: SummersEchos
Date: 02-01-2006, 11:39 AM (10 of 11)
To funny. Made me laugh with tears rolling down my face. I could feel the pain almost from trying to imagine it.

User: SummersEchos
Member since: 09-29-2004
Total posts: 884
From: nativetexan
Date: 02-02-2006, 06:26 PM (11 of 11)
oh jeesh, that's hilarious!! :bg:
User: nativetexan
Member since: 11-15-2005
Total posts: 57
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