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The Sew What’s New Archive

This archived content is from Mary Wilkins’ sewing and quilting message board “Sew What’s New,” which was retired in August 2007. It is being provided by “Sew What’s Up,” which serves as the new home for many members of “Sew What’s New.”

Sew What's New Archive > JOKES AND QUIPS > Rita Rudner jokes

From: DorothyL

Date: 02-20-2006, 04:51 PM (1 of 6)

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Rita Rudner

User: DorothyL
Member since: 12-09-2002
Total posts: 3883

From: icetbear

Date: 02-23-2006, 08:31 AM (2 of 6)

Heehee, thanks for the morning chuckles Dorothy